New Year

When life is so chaotic, I like to organize. Today my closet is the way I love it, weeded out and size and color coded. Refolded too. Allan is on his way to drop off the last minute donations to Good Will. Somehow this process helps, but makes the day hard too.

I find that I am suddenly remembering things about grieving that I've forgotten about. I wish I didn't have to remember it at all. I wish I didn't know what this type of grief is all about. I hate finding surprises that were tucked away. Clothes that still smell just right, a pacifier, a favorite outfit. It always happens. I feel like it's good to get it out of the way. The problem is that it's never really out of the way. There will always be little reminders that catch you off guard. A smell, a band aid, the way the day smells.

As sad and hard as it is, maybe it's a gift from God. A way for Him to remind us that our loved ones are still with us even if they are no longer tangible. You see the only guarantee that we are given in life is that we will all die. All the rest of life in between is up to us. We can choose to live on our own accord or we can choose to live according to God's will for our lives. It's hard to relinquish control and hand over the reins. You never know what you are going to wind up doing.

Honestly though, when you try to take over those reins, do you really wind up knowing what you are going to do? The main difference is, if you walk without God, there is no hope. Hope comes from the promise of eternal life. God sacrificed HIS own child for US. He did it so that we could have ever-lasting life. God knows how much it hurts to loose a child. He did not have to do that at all. But He did so that we could know what length He would go to for us.

See, even though we loose our loved ones and we are sad, there is SO much more to live for. If we confess that we are sinful (we do wrong things, as the bugs say) and believe that Jesus died for that sin of ours and we are truly reticent we, too, may have life ever lasting. A chance to spend eternity with God. There is no pain, sorrow or illness.

I'll tell you, walking through grief is so very difficult. Doing it without the One who loves you the most is next to impossible. I honestly don't care what the sin is. God forgives it, if you ask Him to. He just does. It seems simple, but you have to be willing to relinquish the control you think you have over your life. That's hard for us. It's hard to be humble and to submit. I will tell you first hand, it makes my life so much easier. When the weight of my sorrow crashes down around me and the buggie-boos and fighting and demanding my attention, He is there to pick me up and carry me through that wave. I'm riding with the tide, not getting caught in the undertow.

Believe me, there are times that it seems like I will get caught in that undertow. It seems so dark and there is no way out of the sharp pain and the dull long term ache that follows. But He is there to pull me out and show me what is important. He gives me the scent that reminds me of my loved one. I find a letter, a hat, a golf ball from my Grandpa. I find a pacifier. I look in Eric's memory box. I see a frog. I see someone who looks "familiar". I hear my Grandmother's voice in my head. I get sand on my towel. These are all cherished things from the people who have impacted my life and I love. People I know that I will see in Heaven. People who have already completed their journey through this world, impacted me, and many others, for Christ and are in the presence of the living God. This is why I have Hope. This is how I can face tomorrow. Whether it's a new year or not, your life can only be new if you give it over to God.