Rebuilding one block at a time

I hardly know where to begin. I am so very proud of all my 4 ladybugs. Of Ava and her determination, courage and will power to fight that which she could not overcome. Of Elaina and the twinkle in her eye, her sense of humor and her concrete thought. Of Emily and the joy in her eyes as she reveals in the promises of heaven and anticipation of her life, everlasting. And of Alexa who just asks questions, tells us how she feels and how she does everything in her power to give the love we need and get the hugs she needs.

Today we woke up, got dressed, had breakfast, opened some presents early (we're sad so we decided we get to), played with aforementioned presents, played in the snow with good friends, had hot coco, enjoyed the company of lots more good friends, cleaned the biggest bugs room, cried, read the notes on facebook and the blog, got the ball rolling for burial and memorial service arrangements, laughed, squibbled, ate a bad dinner (apparently, I am a little out of practice to which Emmy said, "It's OK Mommy it's been a LONG time since you cooked."), laughed at that, answered tough questions, gave baths, did Christmas countdown, prayed, tucked in some pretty special bugs, answered more tough questions, made a list and checked it more than twice (especially since we can't seem to remember what we need to do from one minute to the next), caught up on email, facebook and the blog comments, cried some and now, write.

The girls got a little sadder as the day wore on and the reality set in. We talked about how we had a happy life before Ava was born and during her time with us here on earth. We talked about how Eric was here and gone before they were born and that they still have a happy life. We then talked about how I know that we can have a happy life again. We talked about how's it's OK to be sad, that it takes a long time to sort this type of sadness out and grownups don't even understand it, really. But we will do it together. We recounted the day over the under cooked chicken and crunchy rice casserole (I stirred it and it moved well, I really am a good cook). We remembered that today was a very sad day but we all had fun, we all laughed, and we all enjoyed parts of the day. So we can do it. We talked about how we need to feel our feelings and keep on going. (Poor kids have a social worker for a Mommy, they have no chance).

We honestly rejoice in the honor to know, love and have Ava in our family. We know that this was what God created her for and this is her life story. It was so short (she lived 5 days longer than Eric, so go sister), but it was mighty. It's not lost on me the words used to describe our littlest bug: fighter, mighty, strong, courageous. All of these things take energy, the very thing her body lacked the ability to produce to keep her here with us. Through that frail, broken (and long) body was a baby who was filled with character and drive. I would often joke in the PICU about what she would be like if her mitochondria were not broken and didn't have crystallization on it's tubulars (FYI that's not good even if it sounds pretty).

God does not do anything without intention. He does not make mistakes. His perfect plan will always be revealed. As I wrote on Facebook right after we found out that Ava was deaf: God is sovereign, even if we don't agree. Our sweet baby girl will leave a poignant hole in our hearts. It's one I will cherish, just as I do that of her brother's. Never as a child would I have dreamed that "this" is how my life would be. But it is. It's wild and unpredictable, but it's guided by the One who I put my trust in. God has never failed us or left our side. We can be angry and confused. He has been here the whole way through. He planned Ava's entire life right through her dying breath. He was in that room with us last night saying to our precious, precious fighter, "Well done my good and faithful servant."