I've been living here for a little while. It happens when life gets busy enough that you can't look ahead with so much in front of you. I find the negative emotions are so intertwined and can sneak up on me and cause catastrophic thinking if I am not too careful. It always starts with benign thoughts of "I can't", "I shouldn't" and the seed is planted. Mix that with extra shifts at work, tummy sick kids x2 weeks, a literal mountain of laundry, homeschooling, a load of non profit work, a budding jewelry business with Premier Designs, and feeling "off". It's no wonder I'm about to crash and burn.
I've been struggling with my fitness for over a year now. I am sad to say that the defeatist attitude is winning the battle. It began with a stress fracture and now I am battling plantar's facitis. This PT stint has been going on now for 2 months. I am progressing and trying to be patient with it. But today, I hit a breaking point. Who knew that the inability to do a proper squat would be the catalyst for the release of a bunch of pent up, unidentifiable emotions. Yup. Squats.
I got home and decided that maybe I want to quit all of everything. Yup. All of it. PT, pretending to be a runner, work, homeschooling, jewelry, laundry. Why bother?
So I decided to try to deal with my frustration on the pavement. I ran walked a 5K last weekend with my Sister in law, my race wife and my hubby. It didn't reinjure me so I decided that I need to get out there. Downloaded the couch to 5k app on my phone so that I wouldn't get over zealous and do too much and off I went.
The first mile was uneventful and no more encouraging than the tears shed over the inability to so a proper squat. I rounded the cul-de-sac and was looking at the sky. There was a bird. Soaring. I'm always watching birds. Then I noticed a white head and tail. I kept watching and it flew right over my head. A Bald Eagle soaring over the cul-de-sac. I snapped a quick picture with my iPhone and burst into tears. Oh how I miss my sweet baby girl!
In that moment my run/walk transcended. The Eagle was gone as quickly as it appeared. God loves me enough to give me that moment. A single flash in the pan moment of power strength and majesty. He and only He knew what I needed to break down my barriers and my walls.
Our sweet baby girl was in pain and handled it with determination and poise. She was cradled in the hands of God and today she can "soar on the wings of an eagle." She can "run and not grow weary" and "walk and not grow faint."
So while I feel down and out I need to remember that I worship a God who loves little old grumpy me enough to show me through an Eagle in flight. He is the one who laid himself down and was beaten and nailed. He was the one who suffered. He was the one who rose so that I can live. In my walk I will suffer and bad things will always happen. No matter what, God can and will provide you a way to limp along in your muck. You have to open your eyes and be ready to see it, I suppose.
So I will take my emotionally raw self and see if I can turn off the water works. Once they are opened it's hard to stop them. Then I will stand firm in knowing that God took some time and showed me that He loves me and I took some time and saw that.
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Small dot taken with my iPhone.
