Happy 7th Emily and Alexa!

On Emily and Alexa's 5th Birthday Ava went to the hospital. It was the last time they held her. On their 6th Birthday, the cried during the Birthday song, and walked around with long faces all day. I asked what was wrong and Alexa replied, "This is hard for us Mommy." It truly was one of the worst days of my life. (I suppose that is saying something!)

For 2 years I've been trying to put as positive a spin on their 5th birthday. I've been very frank with them, I've cried with them, I've expressed my anger about it as well. From the time Ava went to the hospital I've grappled with the 'why did she have to go on THEIR birthday' as much as the Bugs.

It's exhausting. It's frustrating. It's just H.A.R.D. They needed another memory. Something to be thrilled about.

Last week we packed up and headed to The City. We stayed over night. We took the Bugs to the top of the Empire State Building. We had a birthday dinner at the American Girl Store. We agreed to frivolous spending on things that are normally not even worth asking about (doll hairstyles and ear piercing ~Really?!). We had AMAZING cupcakes at Magnolia's Bakery. We saw Times Square, Rockefeller Plaza, Central Park, St. Patrick's Cathedral, the New York Public Library. Of course we rode the subway. We spent the morning with my childhood best friend who lives in Manhattan and I haven't seen for 11 years! We ate hot dogs and pretzels from street vendors. I soaked in the rhythm of NY speech patterns and was seriously contemplating moving back. WE HAD REAL PIZZA!!!!!!!!!!! We were TOURISTS and I was not ashamed!

On the way home, we stopped in Jersey and stared at the back of Lady Liberty from Liberty State Park. We stared at the NY skyline. We showed the Bugs the Empire State building and talked about perspective and size. We talked about September 11th and the Twin Towers. I am ALWAYS humbled by how sad I feel when I look at that skyline now. It grips me in a way I don't think I understand.

For those of you who don't know. I grew up in the Hudson Valley, north of the City. I drink cawfee and when I'm tired, I still say tawlk. I can do a pretty good Cawfee Tawlk impression. Just ask my college friends. I never "knew New York" like some of my friends. But I have always loved the City. I love it's pace, the things to see. I love the architecture. I love that if you turn right there is going to be something cool to see. Oh and, I love the Yankees.

What was the best part? The love of the City that our Bugs- who are rapidly getting BIG- developed. I loved being able to show them things that I have seen numerous times. I loved seeing the City through their wide and brimming eyes. Mostly, Allan and I both loved the joy excitement and twinkle in their eyes leading up to our trip, during our trip and since we've been home.

We can't ever ever take away the fact that Ava went to the hospital on their birthday. Nor do I want to. It's a part of their story, her story, our family's story. And let's be honest, if I were to start taking stuff away from our family story, I would be a (more) crazed Mom with an 8 year old, 7 year old twins, a 4 1/2 year old and a 2 year old! But we can teach them that it's OK to have a hard memory on a special date and know that it's OK to have a good and fun memory on that date another year. We can help them break out of the tomb of grief and know it's OK to move on. You know what, Allan and I learn that in the process too.

We were talking after we put our new 7 year olds and our 4 1/2 year old to bed in our awesome hotel room (and the least expensive thanks to discount sites). We were worried that we over did it. (Which we did). You know what? Sometimes it's worth it. It's worth to see the gleam in their eyes, the joy and excitement . It's worth it to feel a happy in a way that cracks the hollowness inside.

Of course, we now have a problem as a certain 4 year old would like to go to NYC for HER birthday and he wants "to stay for one, two, three (holds up four fingers) nights. No let's stay for four". She also wants to go to American Girl. So we are going to have to explain to her that she will need to get a job.

Spreading some wings

We made it through our first year of Homeschooling!!! We ploughed through snow days and spring break so we could hit our required days of school mark early enough to enjoy some spring and sunshine. Yes, we will try it again next year. This time for all three of the bugs. As I am learning to live my life, I am taking this on a "I'll do it until God tells me not to" basis. Did I ever mention how hard that is sometimes?

The Big Bugs had a busy week with their very first piano recital and then a Spring Program at the school they attend for classes one day a week. I was so proud of them. Not too long ago, Emily was too afraid to even go up and sing with her Sunday School class. At first they would stand there and cling to each other. Then one time Alexa went up with out her sister and sang a couple words. Three years later, they fully participate. I am so proud of them.

The Spring Program had two performances. When we got to the evening performance, Elaina was squirrely. As the first group opened the first couple measures of the song she was in need of some redirection. "Elaina come sit still." "Why, Mommy? They sang this already!" I would love to know what she thought she was going to hear for the second performance!

As I got ready to go to the second show I couldn't help to think about HOW MANY individual and repeat performances my parents endured for us kids. Not to mention that all three of us grew up being in multiple groups and plays. Hats off to my awesome parents!

We are entering a new phase in our lives: Cheerleaders. Now that's not so new because I believe that is the role we play as soon as your child is born. "Did you go poopy? Yeah what a good girl!" But now we get to clench our hands as they go up to the front on their own power. The lights go up and what will be will be. I guess we are always in training for letting them go out into the big world.

Maybe concerts are just God's way of training us parents to let them fly out of the nest.

"Winning"

I finished my first half marathon on Sunday. I was far from winning. But in my own right. I won. Not because I finished. Not because I did it. But because of my experiences training and racing. Three weeks before the race I ran 12 miles. After that run I started to fall apart. Emotionally, physically and psychologically. I was hurting and fatigued. For the first time I was nervous that I wouldn't even be able to walk run the race. My chronic back problems were finally rearing their ugly heads and causing all kinds of issues in my legs. I had a goal of finishing the race in under 2:30:00. Really I was hoping for a much better time, but I didn't want to be too disappointed. But after that 12miler I just wanted to do everything I could to keep myself healthy enough to cross the finish line. During that last three weeks, when I should have been tapering, I hardly ran at all- in comparison to what I had been doing. I found myself so angry that my body was failing me. That it wasn't letting me do what I wanted to do. I wasn't getting stronger. I was crumbling and slowing down. I watched all of my other friends bloom and improve. It was a tough blow. A really tough blow. I spoke with some experienced running friends and collected a myriad of advice. I got massages on my legs and chiropractic adjustments on my back. There were so many people praying for me, encouraging me and cheering me on. Two weeks before the race I wanted to just give up. Stop dealing with the pain and quit. Something started to happen. I realized that God called me to this race. He placed all host of people in my path to help me finish that race. At my lowest point, I was angry and jealous of what others could accomplish, I told Allan that God wouldn't call me to the race and not have me finish. Then I turned it around and said that well He did give me two children that I don't have anymore so I guess I just don't know what would happen. I woke up a bit after that. I realized that this race is not about Eric and Ava and their suffering. Oh yes it was and is my motivation and my honor to run for that. But this race was about God breaking me down in a new way. A way for me to see that my body is temporal and that it easily crumbles. A way for me to realize just how angry I am that God has me walking this path in my life. A way for me to see just how much I've been holding Him at arms length. Relying on Him, but not really letting Him in. A way for me to see just how deeply I hurt and how I need to let some of it go. It was a way for me to be reminded that I can not do anything on my own power. It all comes from Him. God asked me to run a half marathon. He did not promise me that the training and the journey would be easy and without pain. He only asked me to do it. So I obeyed, blindly. Race week arrived. My back was hurting and my legs were burning. I went to the chiropractor and had a massage and prayed that my body would stay together or at least I could ignore the pain. I distributed the Half for Each team shirts. I home schooled the bugs. We had an art show and dinner party and saw the joy in the eyes of my children as we focused on what they needed to feel special. I cried a lot as I realized how broken and disconnected my soul really is. My friend sent me an email. Reminding me that "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak....but those that Hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." She didn't even know that is the verse I would pray while I pressed my head against Ava's, drinking in her sweet baby smell. I had little pain at the start. At 4.5 miles the winner past me. Between 5.5-6.2 miles I started to see all my team mates pass me. We cheered each other on. At 9 miles I was running out of steam. I actually needed to walk a little bit so I could settle myself out. At that point I remembered Ava's verse and that this race is not about me keeping up with my speedy friends. I was at the end of the pack and I was feeling lonely. I prayed and thought about how I needed something to keep going since I had no one around me. Over my head a majestic bird took off. A little later another first time racer asked if she could walk with me a bit. We then encouraged each other up to Mile 11. I thought that it was close to 3 hours that we were out there and I just wanted to finish. We pushed each other to keep running. I walked through the last water stop to make sure I could get enough to drink. Then I ran. I felt great, rested and free. I ran over the bridge and saw Allan and my bugs waving signs and screaming for me. I thanked every Marshall and joked along the way between miles 11-13.1. I even had enough in me to speed up for the last .1. At the finish line I saw all my well rested friends who were cheering for me. These same friends that I was so proud of. These same friends who inspired and encouraged me to get there. I did it, by His power through me. 2:31:49. Winning? I think so.

Sweet

The other night, at bedtime, Elaina was showing me a special picture book that her Aunt made her. She has a picture of Ava in it. So naturally she started talking about her. I wonder how much she remembers verses how much memory of her is imposed. Not that I'm surprised, she was only 2 1/2. What actually surprises me is what she can remember.

After she went through her litany of "Mommy, why did Ava die?" I asked her how did that make you feel? She looked at me and said, "it hurt my feelings." I love how kids just say what they think. It's refreshing.

Elaina gets really upset if she thinks I'm sad for any reason. It actually breaks my heart. She runs around and starts to whine and then starts to act silly and tries to make me smile. I so wish she didn't have to act that way.

Yesterday I was having a moment when the bugs were upstairs, probably undoing all I reorganized, together having a great time. Next thing I know Alexa and Elaina were downstairs with me. Alexa looked at me and said "why do you look like you've been crying." I told her that I didn't know and that I was OK. She asked if I was missing Ava. I tried to tell her that I was fine, but my wet eyes told her the truth.

Meanwhile Elaina was starting to swirl, and say, "no,no. Mommy be happy. Mommy be HAPPY." I told her I was OK. Alexa looked at her sister and said, "Elaina, Mommy is allowed to cry." Elaina settled down.

Then my sweet 6 year old offered me the Ava toys and stuffed animals that comfort her. This time they would have made it worse, so I told her no thank you. She looked at me and knowingly nodded and ushered her sister upstairs not before she peered around the corner and gave me a sweet and supportive smile.

I usually try to not have them in a position where they feel like that have to "make me feel better", I just don't want that responsibility for them. There are moments when it's so sweet, I have to share.

Sometimes I think about how those bugs can comfort and I think that it might be OK that they help Allan and myself as we muddle through this crazy life. We are family and we are living this together.

I am so very grateful for those little hearts brimming with a compassion that only God provides.

Long Time No Hear

Hello blog! It's been a long long long time. So many times I had a thought and the intent to sit down at the computer and blog. Just not the motivation.

We made it through Eric and Ava's anniversaries and Christmas. Then I kind of crashed. Not in a bad way. I just sort of shut down and took a step back. The last year and a half has been high impact, busy and my mind got tired.

We've been keeping it simple around our house lately. There has been a refreshing break is our house. I call it the "post one year anniversary reprieve". It's been a great blessing. There is only so long that you can get battered by those waves of grief without coming up for air. The energy in the house has been easier. It's like we can all breathe a little better.

I so remember that refreshing feeling once we hit Eric's first Anniversary. I'm not saying that the grief goes away. It's just morphing into something different. The heavy black cloud that is ever looming is now up a little higher and maybe a little less dark. That is nice.

Each of the bugs have been growing, changing and maturing. It is just so fun to watch. My Dad's birthday was a couple weeks ago. The big bugs decided to throw him a surprise "Handy Manny" birthday party. (My Dad fixes everything in our house!) They spent many hours snuggling and watching Handy Manny with him while Ava was in the hospital. What once was something they did with Grandpa has become a special thing and important to all of them. Oh and when one of the Bugs says that you are a "Handy Manny" watch out- that's a high compliment in these parts.

So for his Surprise party- They told him the whole plan they concocted- it will be at his house, Uncle D will take him out to look at wood (my brother and my dad are pretty adept at wood crafting-cool skill they both have and we reap the benefits!). We will have everybody come, and Grandma makes the cake. We made a paper maiche Handy Manny Pinata, Made a Handy Manny table cloth complete with duct tape- had a Handy Manny Relay Races with Turner and Pat at the batons. We played a Handy Manny CD (Los Lobos people- it's hysterical). Grandpa cut his Handy Manny cake ("We break it- YOU fix it" instead their theme "you break it we fix it) with Alexa's Dusty. It was hysterical and she is still ticked about it. You know he didn't even ask and now Dusty smells like cake, blah blah blah- I'm 6 and these are the things I can't let go. So we, the good parents we are- threaten her that we will use Dusty to cut stuff all the time.

Let me tell you that was such fun to plan this party and focus on something else. The bugs thoughtfulness and attention to detail was so awesome.

In the middle of all of this, my Uncle had been fighting a very surprising and aggressive Leukemia. He was diagnosed just before Christmas and has spent the majority of his time in the ICU. But he is fighting and is currently making some white blood cells. My Aunt's life has been turned upside down as she lives in the ICU. Something which I empathize with. As the bugs caught wind of Uncle Don being so sick, we got to see a window into their big huge hearts.
They pray for him daily, if not more. They draw him pictures and they collected their change and gave me envelopes to mail to Aunt Peggy. They said that this is what people did when Ava was sick and it helped us.

I hate that Ava is gone. I will always hate it. But I can't help but to see the ways her life had a impact on my living Bugs. The sweet nature and giving hearts were always there. But all three of them have a wisdom and a compassion that is such a blessing to us. I fear that the death of their sister would ruin them. But I think that if we work hard and allow God to move through us, they will be just fine.

Whew!

Well folks, we made it. It's always such a relief to make it through the first year. I remember thinking while Ava was hospitalized, "I really just don't feel like 'doing this and feeling like that' again."

It sucks, but here we are One year and 3 days later. It's amazing to me how I felt like I could exhale after Eric's 1st anniversary. I feel the same after Ava's. It seems we all do.

So now we are in the home stretch for Christmas. Talk about gear switching. The big bugs were so motivated to have less school work this week they sped through their last 5 math lessons in their first work book. So now we do fun stuff for the week. I think we are all excited about it.

Today, while Emily was trying to finish her last lesson she was becoming fatigued. Suddenly there was no way she could possibly know what came after 37. I was trying to probe her memory, "thirty seven......" I led, hoping she'd get it. Suddenly I hear a little voice from one who is laying upside down in my lap "38". Em and I just looked at Lain, who continued to try and put her feet on my face. (Such a fun game, for me I tell you.)

Next, Emily can't be bothered to remember what comes after 44. So I said " forty-four...dead pan...forty.......????" Lain, still upside down, shoves 5 fingers in Emily's face. And suddenly she makes no sense pretending that she can't count to 3.

One of these days when that bug chooses to let us know all she's hiding, I think we will be amazed. Recently she decided to let us know that yes, she can write her name. (Of course we knew this because she was doing it even better than she is now in August). However since then she decided that she can't be bothered with it. This way she can get her sisters to wait on her. We are going to Dutch Wonderland over Christmas Break. We told Little Miss Bug that she couldn't go unless she could write her name. Oh look, there it was.

I get the "How do you move onto Christmas" after all we have just before it. My answer- see above, we focus on all we have, remember all we lost and rejoice in the grace God gives us to continue on, one day at a time.

Trick or Treat

For Halloween we had an Angel, a Kitty and a "Flamingo" Dancer. We were joined by Cleopatra, a Pilgrim and Hermonie. (Honestly I don't care about Harry Potter, so I don't know the name. What I do know is that you better not tell my niece that she was Harry Potter. She REALLY didn't appreciate it. Did you know Harry wore glasses? Her character does NOT.)

We had our ultra healthy Halloween dinner- baked potato soup and hot dogs. We went to every house that had a porch light on. We celebrated my sister in laws birthday with cake and presents. We gave everyone their 2 pieces of candy, shoved them off to bed, sorted the candy and had our 2 pieces as well.

The kids had a great time. I hope my sister in law had a good birthday. I know that my brother did not have a good time as he slept on the couch and tried not to infect all of us with his mysterious hot fever.

I can say that I did it. I find I retreat and become apathetic when I don't want to face something. Halloween, as it turns out to be, is one of the first "marks" in a string of crap that the sentence "last year" begins with. I am starting to notice that talk of birthdays, turkey and that guy in the red suit are becoming unavoidable.

My matching bugs will be 6 in a week. I have so many mixed emotions about that. I was realizing yesterday that at least I get to hug them on their birthday. I am thrilled about that. This birthday is highlighting how much I hate that I missed their birthday last year. They talk about their dinner and what they got. If I was around for some of it, it's all gone. That just makes me so mad. The reason I wasn't home makes me pretty mad too.

I struggle with how to embrace all the festivities on the horizon. How to make them fun and enjoyable for the bugs. How to make them feel special for us as a family. Instead I just remember all the horrible things my baby endured and the time we were trapped in the hospital with her. My mind is filled with how crappy the doctors were to her. And how I have trouble making them hear me about how you treat a patient. Seriously, I can get lost in that. It would only take 2 seconds for me to spiral down that emotionally difficult and dark path.

I think of my Angel, Kitty and "Flamingo" dancer and their smiles that brighten the night. I hold on a little tighter. While I may start to boil on the inside, the heat is turned down to a simmer. I put one foot in front of the other and my hot angry tears can give way to the warmth of love I feel for my bugs. It doesn't fix it, but it helps and sometimes just that is what we need.

Strength and Energy

Ever have a day where you sit down to do something at the computer, get up and hour later and realize that you never accomplished your original intent? There you go. That is why the Blog has been silent.

I always knew I wasn't Super Woman. When I was 5 I knew I was Wonder Woman. I had the underoos to prove it too. Now 30+ years later, no super powers and sadly, no invisible jet.

There seems to be a new rhythm in the house these days. There is a lot of missing Ava and play about death. The heaviness of grief is not there. Last week I felt it creep in for me personally. I knew what it was and was so disappointed that it was coming back for a few days. I rather enjoy grieving with out that heavy laden feeling. Especially when there is so many tasks to accomplish in a day right now.

The bugs are all about making sense out of Ava being gone. They won't ever make sense out of it, but they try to wrap their little minds around it to the best of their abilities. After a week of Lain playing "I have to hold my baby because she is going to die soon", she told her daddy, "I'm tired of Ava dying and going to Heaven and I'm tired of Ava being sick."

Us too, Ladybug. Us too.

Layer these emotions and thoughts with daily living- laundry (always there, am I right ladies?), meals, groceries, cleaning, bills. Add bath time, snuggle time, play time, discipline time the mitigation of the emotions of 3 ladybugs (hmmm maybe Daddy is secretly happy about the mandatory OT). Add 16 hrs/week for work, homeschooling and the Joy-Hope Foundation. Sprinkled with a training program to run the Inaugural 5K which is in 11(GULP) days. The cherry on top? Things I like to call "mini commitments"- you know the ones that would usually consume you but since you are so busy they become items to check off the list. Season the schedule with post season baseball where the two house favorites are making a run the the ring. As it simmers the smells of fall and the annual events bring us right back to a time when Ava "was here". When she "came with us" to what ever event we are attending at the time.

Welcome to life at ours house. (OK, Lain doesn't say that anymore, but I love it so I pretend she still does).

I find myself in the middle of all of these things to do, that need to be done, and I want to get done. Oddly enough, they are being attended to. Some more than others, depending on the day. Some days we feel the emotions of our loss bubble to the surface so we stir and turn down the heat so it doesn't boil over and make a mess out of everything. Other times we let everything else go so they can boil over and see what mess there is to clean up.

As I was running the other morning I realized that there is no way that I can do all that is on my plate right now. Yet I have energy. I have drive. I have a team of people who God put in my path that I could not do this without. My ability is not my own.

He is orchestrating all that is happening in my life. I have energy and stamina because of Him. Wisdom? Him. Desire and Drive? Him. 3 living Ladybugs? Yup. Him. A wonderful teammate (except in baseball)? You got it. He did that too.

My life and my commitments are for Him and because of Him. The Joy-Hope Foundation is His. We are just simply obeying. It's not so simple when you are tired and out of juice. But then He propels us on to the next step. Then "Oh look here we are now".

It's quite a ride. I am happy to be on it. I will also be happy to have a bit a of a reprieve after the 5K. I can't wait to see how it will all turn out and how it will come together. This alone is amazing to watch unfold. It's such a neat way for me to see who really is in Charge and how we are all instruments for His plan.

Although I once REALLY REALLY believed I was Wonder Woman, and dabbled with the notion of being Superwoman I know that I am just a women standing is the arms of her Lord, putting one foot in front of the other, learning to use my energy for those who can't.


Check out the Joy-Hope Website! www.joyhopefoundation.com

New Normals

For days now I've been sitting down to blog and nothing. Either I have to go do the next thing, I'm way too tired to think straight, or there are no words ready to come to the page.

Our days are very full and busy. SO much so I was informed that we are now out of coffee and are on our emergency reserves (you know the kind that you collect from various gifts and functions that would not serve well on a daily basis).

Today I sit to blog, drinking coffee for the pure necessity of the caffeine not the enjoyment and satisfaction of the cup.

Last week we started to Home school the bigger bugs and let the little one think she's being home schooled as well. It's an adjustment for all of us, but I am surprised to see that Elaina is having the biggest adjustment with it right now. I am not shocked, just surprised that it's her to the biggest extent.

I am pleasantly surprised. Like most things for our family right now Allan and I are on automatic pilot. We are exploring new ideas because we don't have the energy to argue with God as to why we can't do what He asks us to do. I've been interested to see how Homeschooling would play out not without some trepidation. To sit and see them learn. To see that clouded over face of confusion turn to a twinkle, squeal and a smile is very rewarding. I love that I get to be the one who has that front row seat.

One thing that I did not get a full handle on was that this time I have with my girls is found time. On Face Book I see that all these other Mom's are saying goodbye to their kids for the day with a healthy mixture of happiness and a twinge of sad. For some it's getting back into routine, others it's the beginning of a new normal. I realized that I am not ready to miss any more of my kids right now. I know with school you will get them back at the end of the day, but the empty house on Thursdays when they are at our Home school group all day, is a bit much for me. I had no idea.

I know this is a powerful feeling and I am keeping it in check. I am not Homeschooling because I do not want to let my children go. I f Homeschooling becomes out of that need, it will be time to enroll. This year is gonna be tough on the girls, they need to be able to learn all they can in an environment that is conducive to dealing with all that is on their plates. Plus, they really love it.

They also seem to have a busy schedule. They take a combined gymnastics and ballet class and in a couple weeks they start piano lessons. Thinking is changing, imaginations are booming and the friendship in their sisterhood is what I've always prayed that my children could have. These are times that I am finding that I do and will treasure.

We are also all a buzz trying to secure sponsorship for the Have Joy. Spread Hope. Inaugural 5K in Oct. We are all excited to see how this event comes together and debut our vision for all to see. Humbly, we can not wait to bless others the way the community blessed us. It is such an amazing honor.

I've been training to run this 5K. This is a big deal or me. I never thought I could do it, and now I am half way. However, while Apple picking the other day I pulled something in my knee. For now I'm on the DL. Not very patiently I might add. I began to train for my babies who couldn't even breath on their own. They didn't produce enough energy to sustain life. I want to train my body to run and use energy for them. Next thing you know, I think I like it. I look forward to getting out there and pushing myself in a productive way. I am praying that my knee will feel better so I can get back out there and I can run this 5K. Besides, I want to buy new workout clothes!

With the other short term commitments and the birthdays of Eric and Ava, my mind has been swirling. We've cleaned out our baby and little girl stuff. A difficult task in it's own right for any sentimental mom. Now there are Fall like smells and the memories flood back of their short little lives. The other day, for the first time in 5 years, I saw a baby that looked like Eric. It was totally unexpected. Then it felt good that I could cry about JUST him for a minute. I don't know if that makes any sense.

These last couple days I've been feeling unsettled in my soul. I'm not angry or dealing with that hormone surge like feeling. I usually know why. Right now I don't. So I steal a couple minutes and then off we go. Trying to balance living is tricky, but God is in control so I actually don't feel out of control. That is a nice feeling.

Peachy

I started to train to run a 5K. The first 5k I will run will be for the Joy-Hope Foundation. It will be in October and once there is an online registration (by the end of the week) I will tell you all the details. For now I am lost in planning the event, getting the Foundation "live" so to speak and getting ready for our vacation in a few days.

So because I seem to have so much free time, what did I do today, while Lain and I are sick? Yup, we met my Mom and Dad and picked peaches. In 35 minutes the 6 of us picked 212 pounds of peaches. I think Lain was responsible for 50 all by herself. So now I get to peel and can peaches. Oh and I think I'm out of lids.

Crazy? Yes, but last year we did not get to pick peaches due to the arrival of little miss Ava. So I needed to do that this year. So we did. Now I won't sleep. Especially since I'm blogging.

Today I walked in after my run to find Allan trapped under drippy and smiley Elaina. It was 6:20am. There went my quite time. We drew pictures and cuddled. It was really nice. Lain drew a picture of 6 people- biggest to littlest- 5 holding hands with lines around the edges. She told me ," Mommy this is me, this is Emmy, this is Lexa, this is Eric, this is Ava and the biggest one is you. See we are all in a Stadium and all your children are holding hands with you."

Tonight was the first time in MONTHS that Lain asked me, "Mommy, why did Ava die and go to Heaven?"

Emily, on the other hand, is doing much much better. Thank you for all your prayers for her.

Lex is laying low right now, but she really was grieving the hardest early on.

Here's the thing. I don't think it's fair that I get to be PMS and have Ava's birthday on Friday. I think that is mean.

Questions and Answers

We are having a blast at Saddle Ridge Ranch I tell you. Although on the way home today Emily asked, "But why do they want us to get up sooo early?"

I had no answer.

I did have an answer for Alexa's two questions tonight. She cuddled right up to me and said, "Mommy, I hope that when I grow up I don't have babies that die. But if I do, will you pray for me?"

I scooped her up (which is getting hard to do with my leggy nearly 6 year old) and told her that I am already praying that that doesn't happen. I will pray for her and I will be right there to help her. I also told her that is why we are seeking testing so we can determine if the bugs need to worry about what Eric and Ava had.

Our devotion tonight was talking about how God created a bug to be a bug and you to be you. It was a nice reminder that He is in charge and Eric and Ava were created by Him and are not a broken mistake. Sometimes I need to remember that.

Alexa's other question was at story time- Bearstein Bears Go to School. They walk to school on the last page. But they take the bus earlier in the book. She wanted to know why they were walking to school. In a moment of what I can only consider as Mommy Brilliance I said, "To reduce their carbon footprint. Now get in bed so I can tuck you in."

So we are plugging on. They are learning to be H-A-P-P-Y because God loves them. I am trying to keep up with the pace of a busy snack kitchen. I guess I should take a moment and know that I can be H-A-P-P-Y because God loves me too.

Cleanliness May Actually be Next to Godliness

I knew it has been a long time since I posted, but had no idea how long it actually has been. Part of the reason for my silence is because we suddenly got busy in a good way. In the recent weeks I feel a bit of a reprieve from the looming cloud of grief. I see that the bugs are feeling that as well. We are transitioning, and that is a good thing.

Since my last post I have a couple bugs that are jumping into, head bobbing and taking some strokes in the pool without a life vest. I have a still very excited bug about being oh-fishally- big. I have a bug that can put ponytails in her dolls hair. I have a bug that learned to use the toaster. I have a bug that loves to get dressed by herself and a Mommy who lets her be ,mismatched and backwards as long as we aren't going out in public.

We've picked blueberries and strawberries, we are on a second planting of beans. We color and paint. We have a new front door and storm door. We bounced and slide at Pump it Up. We toured Herr's Chip Factory. We've celebrated the birth of our country. We ride bikes, splash in puddles. We got caught in a downpour.

I am now beginning to plan ahead, and it's not too overwhelming for me. The past is still muddy and long. My concept of time is still off, but I can see past the next minute.

The Joy-Hope Foundation is becoming more defined and solidified. We had a great time hosting Mom's Marketplace. Allan and I have been working a lot lately. We've gone out on a date and even watched a movie one night. I baked cookies, and made play dough.

Along with this the house is getting more organized, the bugs are becoming more polite and helpful. We are working on correcting bad habits that formed as a result of Mommy and Daddy having a lack of energy to follow through. We are talking more, cuddling more and trying to listen to the bugs' needs. You know we are becoming more "checked in" parents instead of "checked out".

I organized my pantry. It took a long time. I had to purge a lot of things in it. Staples I stocked up on at a good price so I could be creative with my Christmas baking, meals for the winter. A simple task became a project of purging. I slowly go through Ava's things, and have to step back. It's too overwhelming sometimes. When I enter that room, I know that there will be pain in purging. When you go to clean out your pantry, you aren't really expecting pain in purging. Really I love to throw things out and sort them. This time, I was faced with another reminder that our life stopped for a year. Crackers that were stale, chips that were old. Into the trash.

The thing is is that after the purging of the bad stuff comes the reorganized, restocked and fresh pantry. A pantry that is ready to accept a new challenge and not get bogged down by the build up. I look in it and see it as a metaphor for where I am right now. That is why I do all that we have been doing these last few weeks.

It's amazing to me. We were getting ready to spend the day at the beach on Thurs. I was remembering the sense of urgency I felt when we went down last year. I was in my third trimester with Ava. I felt like 'I'm not going to let this baby hold me back. I can do what I want because I, of course, am super mom!' I felt a sense of urgency to capture fun moment with the bugs before the baby was born and we were on hold for awhile. We thought about what it would be like the next summer with 4 kiddos on the beach. I was bound and determined that I would manage it and we would have fun.

Well, I did manage. We did have fun, but I didn't feel the sense of urgency to have a great time before my life was turned upside down. Instead I watched my bugs play on the beach and experience the world God created. I soaked up the beauty of the day. Then we came home and I opened up my pantry. I realized that we just need to be ready to accept what comes next and not be overwhelmed by the waves, in the ocean or of surplus expired crackers or from whatever shall come next.

It's Oh-Fish-al

Well, I am here to tell you that the prayers are working. We are all a little more settled. Which is amazing since we've been really really hot this week. For the 3rd time in 6 weeks our A/C broke. It is now temporarily fixed. Unfortunately we need a new one. There is a laundry list of things we need to replace in this house. The problem is that we can't get to them b/c of the things that need help that we weren't expecting. I am trying not to let it set me off too much. Sometimes I am successful in that, sometimes not really. At least I'm trying.

Our big news is that little Miss Elaina Bug is OH-Fish-ally BIG! As Allan said she somehow decided that it was her idea and that was that. We are Oh-Fish-ally proud of her. She decided that now that she is big she can go to Emily and Alexa's Sunday school class and sit in the third row in the mini van with them. So cute. I won't lie and say that there isn't a little twinge when I think that I don't need to buy diapers, wipes and all that paraphernalia anymore. What Mommy doesn't look forward to that day, but feels sad that the baby is growing up? This is just one of those things where if it were 2008 I would be looking gleefully ahead to this step. In 2009 I would have been counting down to how many more kids I have left to train. In 2010 I am glad to be done and wish I still had more to go (well, sort of I really do think potty training is of Satan.)

Tomorrow we are having our first official Board meeting of the Eric and Ava Benton Joy-Hope Foundation. Not sure what emotion to assign to that (excited, nervous, bittersweet?).

I think now I am looking forward to stringing together a couple of less complicated days. That sounds good to me.

Water Tables, Slip-N-Slides and Kayacks

I hate to mention the word......quiet......the bugs are still sleeping. They are in the basement in a double bed. Our A/C broke yesterday so they get a change of pace. You would think they were moving down there for a couple weeks! They got their jammies and their clothes for today and packed them in their play freezer that is now doubling as a dresser. At least their clothes will be cool when they get dressed. It is HOT in this house.

This weekend proved to be a mixed bag for us. We really had some wonderful family time and got a couple things that needed to be done checked off the list.

We explaining Memorial Day to the bigger bugs while Lain was bouncing around nearby. You should have seen their faces to realize that people fight for our freedom (what's freedom Mommy?) and die so we can have it. There was some awe, humility, and sadness mixed in. I can't blame them. I am so very honored to live in a country where some are called to fight for us and lay down their lives for the things we enjoy.

The bugs and I hit the road to go pick up dinner on Sat. night. (We were going to debut the new grill as ours rusted over the winter, but Daddy didn't get it together until after dinner time. You know they tell you one hour assembly and it turns in to 5???) Elaina was telling me that she drew Ava and she is so cute. I told her she was so cute. Then she turned to Alexa and said, " I just wish Ava could come back to us." Alexa chimed in, "I do too." Emmy then said, "I wish she could too." I certainly agreed. It's moments like those that I find touching. Unifying.

We took the Bugs kayaking for the first time this weekend. Now they are hooked. There is something so peaceful about being out on the water and looking around at what God created. There is something very adorable about my little ones in life jackets and wind in their faces.

At home we played with our water table, slip-n-slide knock off for $6.99 (gotta love a sale and a gift card!). We found ant hills, baby bunnies and discovered that the bluebirds have babies in their nest! Our beans, zucchini, cucumbers, peas, lettuce, potatoes, onions, cantaloupe, watermelon are up in the garden. One of our tomato plants has a tiny tomato. (Elaina what color tomatoes do we ONLY pick? "RED!!!!!!!!!!!" ") The bugs smell like sunscreen.

We had a cook out with my parents and brother that ended with a fire pit fire, marshmallows and Grandma's Peach Pie. As we were saying goodbye to everyone, I realized that I was happy. I had a good day, all day. I felt free of the ever-present grief. It was so so nice.

Yesterday we flew the flag, proudly. We picked up the toy room in the basement, at the instruction of my brother in law, I tired to assess the A/C/Furnace. Did laundry, made bracelets and rings and was surly. The bugs and Allan spent most of the day outside. I hid.

We finally got around to taking the crib down, while the bugs were chillin' in the cool basement. Before we brought it down to store, we joined them and told them what we did. Alexa (who was standing on the toy bench in a hat, sunglasses, a dress and a feather boa-she was a rock star of course-was holding court to the more tamely dressed, pretty princesses) stopped and got sad. Emmy stopped and got sad. Then they each said, "Well, I just wish that Ava could still be sleeping in that crib." We snuggled. They decided to help Daddy carry it and put it away. We Benton's are a team.

I found an ugly truth. I am not able to deal with heaps of stress. I retreat or get angry. kids in each other's business + a broken A/C and I am at my limit. I begin to worry about money, scheduling, etc. Then bam! I am so angry about how Ava was treated at the hospital by some of the physicians that it affects my interactions with my children. I am quick to anger and my temper is short. It's like if they tap into what would usually bother me, annoy me, it opens up a big loud voice. I am ashamed and frustrated with it. I don't want to be this way. I hate that I am and that they have a Mommy that is like that.

Last night our Bible story was about Moses loosing his temper and not obeying God. Allan asked the bugs if they ever lost their temper. "No". I said, "Do you know what temper is?" a chorus of, "No!" Daddy explained. Alexa said impishly, "yes". I then told the bugs that I lost my temper and I apologized to them.

It's so hard. You talk in a loud voice to be heard, and it taps into emotion that is just right there. Sometimes I don't even know how right there it is. I ask God to help me. What I need to do is forgive those who harmed my child. It's a tough one.

I just asked Dumbo to let Em, Lex and Lain know the A/C guy is coming in a half an hour so can they get dressed. I was just delivered cake and pizza too. I guess my day is off and running!

and so it goes

Well, I knew if I wrote about how we were having a good week last week the tide would turn. Alexa was missing her sister like crazy yesterday. One of her school pictures was of Ava in her bed at the hospital. Then she lost her first tooth, so that seemed to break things up for her.

Elaina told me at lunch that she likes Dr. Murphy (her pediatrician), but not the other doctors. The hostival that was Ava's. That's what I'm scared of. She also asked me if Eric was a baby that was ours too. She is really trying to wrap her mind around so many things. The other night she was telling me about how Uncle David talked about Ava and God and Ava was in a box. My brother conducted the graveside service. I am so grateful that we have a little one who is so young but can express herself so very well. What a blessing so that she doesn't have be trapped by her thoughts.

Last night Emmy woke up crying for her sister at 1:30am.

I absolutely hate that these kids have to deal with this. It quite possibly breaks my heart more than the loss of my own children. We just use these moments to ask questions, talk, cry, hug and pray. I don't always know the "right" thing to say, but I try my best.

After Eric died I was in Carter's with my Mom. I was pregnant with my now toothless big bugs. I happened on a Very Hungry Caterpillar outfit (one thing we used to call Eric) and just cried. Put the outfit back and kept on shopping. It was significant in that I realized then that I would go about my day, cry, then go about my day. I think the girls are hitting that stride. It's just that with each developmental leap they have to frame their understanding of their loss. We revisit, reframe and then put on a leotard and twirl.

Whoa!

We had a really busy week last week. I spent most of it really focusing on my jewelry making and updating my Etsy shop. The catalyst was that I had the honor of making and donating some pieces for an Ebay auction in honor of a 4 year old little girl, Susana, who is fighting a battle with cancer. Her parents are missionaries in Haiti and now back in the states to help their daughter fight fight fight. Their story has touched me. They have a (almost ?) 6 six old daughter as well. I really identify with some of the feelings they are having as they support their sweet child fight the fight of her life. To learn more about this family go to www.howcantheyhear.org . The last update I found myself agreeing wholeheartedly with what Susana's mother was saying.

So I designed a prayer bracelet for her and donated other bracelets as well. If you would like to assist this family, please go to www.ebay.com and search "auctions for susana". There are 174 items up for bid. The auction ends on 5/30/2010. 100% of the profit goes to Susana's medical fund.

By participating, it's a small way I can bless in a way that I have been so abundantly blessed. It is an honor that God is allowing me to think and live this way. On my Esty site (www.etsy.com/shop/4ladybugbracelets) I feature two prayer bracelets, one for Susana, one for Haydon. 50% of the profit from the purchase of either of these bracelets will go to family fund for each child.

Haydon is a 15month old little girl living with Spinal Muscular Atrophy, Type 1 (SMA). It's a fairly common, rare neurological condition where the afflicted patient progressively looses strength and muscle tone. Haydon's family loves, advocates and fights for this beautiful child every day. She is a beautiful and sweet baby girl. (She's tough too). SMA was one of the very first things that the doctors worked Eric up for when he presented at the hospital. This is close to my heart as well. Haydon's story can be found at www.caringbridge.org/visit/haydon/journal .

There are many other things cooking for our family right now. The Joy-Hope Foundation is now Incorporated. Step one- check! Now we are on to the next steps that will enable us to take tax-deductible donations!

Our family was one of the featured families in my Alma mater's (Grove City College) Alumni magazine, The Geedunk.

There are still a couple other things in the hopper, so to speak. So more to come later on those.

As for our family. I am happy to say that this past week the black cloud around the house was a little higher and a little grayer. The emotions of grief were not so intense for all of us. There were breaks in the battering waves. It was really nice. This week Elaina hit a developmental spurt and is thinking and processing what she can understand about Ava and her life and death in a new light. That always leads to tough knock you on your rear questions. I choose to look at that as good.

Right now Emily and Alexa are now focused on "Z" week at pre-school and have mixed emotions as to whether or not they want summer vacation to come. They really love school and don't want to miss their teachers, who have done so much for them this year by supporting, nurturing and loving them. (They taught them lots of stuff too!) Then again there is Kindergarten on the horizon, so of course there is the lure of getting bigger! (We are going to give Homeschooling a whirl next year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Allan and I are desperately trying to squeeze out time together in the small windows we have with each other. We are trying to keep the household going, work, grieve, work at the Foundation, and have some fun as well. Right now it may seem crazy busy, but it feels balanced.

Why? Because I actually spent some time in prayer. You would think that I would be more disciplined about that by now. Ugh.

Elaina is alone and it is quiet. That is my sign that I am done blogging for today.

Family Times

Driving home from a Birthday Tea party with Elaina I thought,"we should go to the beach and play hooky from church tomorrow." I dismissed the thought as it was getting to be afternoon and it's the bugs' favorite Sunday School teacher month. They hate to miss.

After Lain and I had been home for awhile Allan came up to me and said, "we should just play hooky tomorrow and go to the beach." I told him I thought the same thing. So after a couple phone calls, a gazillion questions, and wild screams of excitement, here we are. Bugs are all tucked in a queen size bed while we relax and listen to the waves crash and the live band express themselves.

I can't tell you how many times we have wanted to make a hasty jaunt and for some reason or another decided that we can't, shouldn't, don't feel like it. Why?

The nice thing is that the girls are really transportable now. Not much gear is required. Not too much schedule adjustment and we are off. It is nice. A perk really. I see other moms with that dazed look that only happens while we are in the thick of it (baby, toddler, young preschooler phase). I realize that I am the mom that is coming out of the thick into the more relaxed (I am using the term loosely here) phase. I do like how much easier it's becoming. I remember that is why we were thinking against another baby. Now it's oxymoronic.

We are enjoying coming out of the "thick" and into the "thin" of parenting. We have a size family that we intended. But there is always that twinge in the back on my mind and in the center of my heart. I should be in the thick of it. I should be more tied down. Then again I don't know if "Should" is the correct word. If I should be that way, I would be that way. That is not what God intended for our family.

Last time we were here I was pregnant with Ava. We talked about all the adjustments we would have to make should we come down to the beach for a week as a family of 6. We are here for a night as a family of 5. Because it was a spontaneous trip I didn't get a chance to think about all the "what if's" and "we don't get to's" that I would have otherwise. That's a good thing. We're here to relax and have fun as a family without the pressure of the memories. They are there and we all feel them. Yet they haven't been a dark cloud on our getaway. I am so grateful that we get to do this in the "thin" and treasure or sweet babies who are not with us at the same time.

Talking

Yesterday I had two big conversations with two special bugs. It amazes me how God can allow each of us to help the other when the moment is just right. If we all were having a hard time I think that we would all be flopping and floundering all over the place.



We had an innocuous day yesterday. Play in the morning, play at a friends house, dinner and more playing. Daddy didn't get home until almost bath time so there was excitement when he graced the threshold as I was frantically whipping up a batch of cookies for snack at the girls' school. (I decided forget about the healthy. I wanted to make cookies with the bugs).



At one point Emily got really pensive. While the other two bugs were flitting about outside in a pile of mulch, we stole some time together. I was pretty happy that this lady bug is afraid of "buzzy bees" (you know the big fat ones that don't sting) in that moment. We talked about all her thoughts and pictures in her mind about Ava. I found out that she is bothered by the memory of the first time she visited her in the hospital. She didn't look like her baby sister anymore. i was so incredibly grateful that that was also the day that Ava opened her eyes six times; right after each of her sisters kissed her twice. (Little stinker didn't really care that Allan and I kissed her! ) :-). The memory is tough but there is good in it. Emmy smiled remembering how much her baby loved her.



Quickly our conversation turned to a little girl, Susana, that we have been praying for. She is the three year old daughter of a mutual friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer. The girls became aware of her when they saw me making prayer bracelets for her that I sent the family and hope to sell for a fund raiser for that family. Her Mommy and Daddy are missionaries in Haiti. She has a five year old sister that the bugs identify with.



Ever since they heard that Susana's Mommy and Daddy work with orphans and then learned what that means Emmy and Lexa have been trying to figure out ways to help the parentless children in Haiti have food, toys and love. Part of this is their big huge compassionate hearts. But another is that the really now know first hand what it is like to be supported by others. They know what Gods Love feels like when those around you hold you up that they want to reciprocate. This is one of the many surprise blessings that we have received because of Ava and the work that God did through her.

So while these conversations are tough, look what we can learn.

Last night Elaina asked me her usual question: "Mommy, why Ava's in Heaven?" I haven't tucked her in for awhile, so I haven't heard it.

"Why is Ava in Heaven Elaina?"

"She was sick....and um I forgot the rest...Oh! All her things we broken, she went to the hospital and then she died."

All the "things" that were broken were her mitochondria. A word that my three year old couldn't remember and wish that she never had to try.

Keep on Keeping On

I haven't written for awhile, mostly because my mind has been so cluttered and I've been trying to sort it all out. I am still sorting but things are becoming clearer one by one. It's tough work to go through this grieving process while you are trying to keep every other facet of life together too.

I'm really not complaining about that. It's just a fact and it is what it is.

We've been busy getting our vegetable garden ready, planting raspberries, grass and getting ready to put in strawberries. The bugs are all about art right now and making books and coloring are on the top of the "to do" list.

Allan is now working mandatory overtime- 10 hours a week which is putting a crimp on our time together and our energy level. It's another hurdle that we have to climb in our already full life. I'm back on-call now as well. So it seems that all components are getting back into place.

One day at a time sometimes means one hour at a time.

Day to Day

We are chugging along in our neck of the woods. Days are filled with birthday parties, playing, bike riding, garden planting, laundry, cooking, coloring, and work.

Some days some of us feel just fine. Some days it's a struggle to do those things, but we muddle through.

Yesterday I was feeling just fine, most of the day. I got to work and out of nowhere, I felt enormously sad. Seriously, I usually know my triggers. This one I have yet to identify. I know that this goes right along with grief, but I don't have to like it. I was speaking with a coworker and I told her that sometimes there are "stealth triggers". It just sneaks up on you and you don't know why or how.

I'm finding that the best way for me to handle the grief waves is to stay up after everybody in the house is asleep and take time to deal with it. It doesn't do too well for my sleep schedule, especially now that I am back on call at night, but I can't sit on this. Otherwise I will become a ticking time bomb. I don't like that at all.

I am beginning to notice how much the bugs have grown up lately. Right under my preoccupied nose. They do so much more around the house. They each have really big thoughts and they adore each other. I love that.

What comes with really big thoughts are really big questions. Really big cat fights and really big feelings of being wronged. This keeps me on my toes. Some days I'm equipped to deal with it other days not so much. Isn't that true for any Mom really?

One big change around here is that Elaina has decided that she misses out when she naps, so she would prefer to "rest" (in the loosest possible term the definition allows) with the big bugs. The rule is that if you fight, scream or clearly need a nap you must be in your own room. Mommy tells you when rest time is over. You cannot come down until the toys are put away.

Elaina takes offense to all these rules. She doesn't know where the toys go, she doesn't know how to put them away, she's tired. She's all done "sleeping". After a knock down drag out with Alexa on Sunday that culminated in Alexa yelling, "Lain I will SHOW you what bin to put the toys in!" and Elaina screaming over her, " NO YOU WON'T BECAUSE I'M GOING TO BE DOWNSTAIRS WITH MOMMY AND DADDY!", I decided to be proactive.

Tuesday's rest time arrives, i give the speech, the run down of expectations. Little Miss pipes up and tells me, "OK Mommy I won't tell sisters that I don't know how to put the toys away." AHHHH she is always so very many steps ahead of us!

I don't know how today will play out, but I just continually ask God for His grace and for wisdom so I can press on.