Sweet

The other night, at bedtime, Elaina was showing me a special picture book that her Aunt made her. She has a picture of Ava in it. So naturally she started talking about her. I wonder how much she remembers verses how much memory of her is imposed. Not that I'm surprised, she was only 2 1/2. What actually surprises me is what she can remember.

After she went through her litany of "Mommy, why did Ava die?" I asked her how did that make you feel? She looked at me and said, "it hurt my feelings." I love how kids just say what they think. It's refreshing.

Elaina gets really upset if she thinks I'm sad for any reason. It actually breaks my heart. She runs around and starts to whine and then starts to act silly and tries to make me smile. I so wish she didn't have to act that way.

Yesterday I was having a moment when the bugs were upstairs, probably undoing all I reorganized, together having a great time. Next thing I know Alexa and Elaina were downstairs with me. Alexa looked at me and said "why do you look like you've been crying." I told her that I didn't know and that I was OK. She asked if I was missing Ava. I tried to tell her that I was fine, but my wet eyes told her the truth.

Meanwhile Elaina was starting to swirl, and say, "no,no. Mommy be happy. Mommy be HAPPY." I told her I was OK. Alexa looked at her sister and said, "Elaina, Mommy is allowed to cry." Elaina settled down.

Then my sweet 6 year old offered me the Ava toys and stuffed animals that comfort her. This time they would have made it worse, so I told her no thank you. She looked at me and knowingly nodded and ushered her sister upstairs not before she peered around the corner and gave me a sweet and supportive smile.

I usually try to not have them in a position where they feel like that have to "make me feel better", I just don't want that responsibility for them. There are moments when it's so sweet, I have to share.

Sometimes I think about how those bugs can comfort and I think that it might be OK that they help Allan and myself as we muddle through this crazy life. We are family and we are living this together.

I am so very grateful for those little hearts brimming with a compassion that only God provides.