The "What If" game is annoying

I've been having a tough time of it lately. I don't know why. It just happens. As I type this I'm having De jas vous.

It's a busy time around here. There are mountains of wash and piles of papers. There are toys strewn about and yet I look at them, shake my head and "hide" on the computer. The state of our home is a perfect barometer for how I feel.

We've had so many commitments of late we've been running from one thing to the next. This week is a bit quieter. The problem is that when it's quiet like this I tend to let down and unravel a bit. It's necessary, but so is the laundry.

The bugs are grumpy as they are all fighting a little of the ick that's been going around. They aren't sick per se but they are agitated with each other. I am grateful that they haven't developed the full blown sicknesses that are going around. Really thankful about that.

I am feeling out of steam about running right now too. I have a 10 run this week and don't feel geared up for it. I am just thinking about how I have to run 5 tomorrow and how I really don't feel like it.

Can you say F-U-N-K? 'Cause I'm in it.

The cool thing is that I seem to have an insight and a level of patience with the kids that usually lapses when my energy does. That is a gift that God is giving me to get me through. I recognize it as that and am glad for it.

Today I got a sweet card in the mail. What a nice gift to lift my spirits some. Yesterday when I came into the neighborhood from my run I spied my kids and my parents playing baseball in the yard. It was so so uplifting to my hurting heart.

I just saw a Thanksgiving picture with all the Cousins together. Except it's not true. They aren't all together and will never be on this earth. I hate that every time I see a photograph I have to clarify it's title in my mind. "All of the living cousins". "All of my living children".

I really hate that when I see my kids growing and changing I think of a 7 1/2 year old and an 18 month old and wonder what it would really be like.

I know that God will use the broken ugly stuff in our lives for good. But I really wonder why He thought it would be a good idea to give us two kids with Mito disease. Why that is what it took to have us start the Joy-Hope Foundation. I know that His plan is the best and perfect for us. I can see in many ways how that is.

Sometimes I just wish there would be another way.