Today I learned that it is possible to feel special, appreciated, loved and deadened inside simultaneously. It's so weird to love the family you have with you and miss the one that is not.
Whenever I allow myself to think that we have two children, that I carried and we loved, held and cared for in our home, in Heaven I think that my heart stops. I am overwhelmed that we have as many children in Heaven that the average American family has. It's like a whole family. It's too much to handle on a good day, honestly. I usually try to separate them. It's holidays when the death of my kids hits me in the face.
I'm not griping about how blessed we are with our 3 surviving children. Not griping at all. But I'll tell you I'm not warm and fuzzy about Mother's Day either. Actually, I never have had the opportunity to be.
Eric made me a Mommy. My dream came true. On my first Mother's day I had empty arms. Then I had the girls. Then we had Elaina. But each year while I treasured all that we have, knowing all too well how quickly it can be gone, I realize that I don't want to celebrate the day. Oh the girls enthusiasm and love help, but to keep up the facade all day is just hard.
This year I am just numb. Honestly I appreciate all the love and support I have gotten and do get. To go to church for two services and then to work for 8 hrs is a long time to keep it together. I have to say though as much as I am loved and supported I would rather just have my kids. It's that simple.
I get angry that a simple man inspired day just intensifies the grief that I feel as I walk my walk. A day that is meant to show love and respect is always tainted. It's true that I am not the first and hardly the last who struggles with this day in the face of grief.
I just wish that it didn't have to be this way. But the apple was eaten. Christ was born. Christ died for us. Christ rose from the grave. This is why I can make it through a day like today.
This is why I can experience joy juxtaposed with sorrow and find hope through my despair. This is why I can love my kids like crazy and cherish their specially selected gifts. This is why I can freely grieve for my sweet baby boy and baby girl who I long to hold.
Showing posts with label Thought. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thought. Show all posts
Monday, May 10, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
The Ladybugs have Landed
It's amazing to me how much happier it is in the house when the girls are in it! What also amazes me is that I feel like that especially when I spend a day breaking up fights, putting out squabbles and the incessant whining.
I guess when they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, they really meant that.
I guess that they went away for the weekend is a good thing, since I think I am going to be trapped in the house with all the bugs all week. School was closed today and they are predicting another big storm to roll in tomorrow evening. Here in DE some streets are plowed, you just don't know which ones are. Fortunately for us the way our house sits gets pretty much full sun, so I have been spending my days cheering on the melting efforts. We have run out of places to put all the snow!
Our house is full of dress up and dances today. Last night in the car Elaina serenaded us with her "songs" THE WHOLE WAY home. (It's an hour and 15 minute drive to Grandma and Grandpa's in good conditions). She was singing her "Ava and Eric" songs. TO which I was chuckling. Some of the lyrics were, "I miss Ava I want she to come back, I want she to come back today. I have Ava her Highness. I have Eric his Highness. Emmylexa are my sisters." We were shocked when we were asked to sing with her. I had no idea I was going to be quizzed on her made up songs. So I asked her to teach it to me. Wouldn't you know that kid sang the same thing and the same tune? So then I really felt obliged to pay attention! I asked he to sing and Emily and Alexa song. "I can't Mommy, I don't have any of those songs. I only have an Ava song and an Eric song." -S-I-L-E-N-C-E- (rejoicing in the front of the car...premature rejoicing....) "Mommy! Oh I DO have an Emmylexa song. I didn't know I had one of those!" Cue the music....
Lain has been grappling with the notion of Heaven and the permanency of it. I comes out in her music, her play and her bedtime questions. We are trying to help her understand that it's not a bad place, and that it's not a threat. Right now I think she feels like she is going there soon. Such hard stuff to understand when you are two. I try daily at 36.
Today I sat on the floor and let the girls play with my hair. I had about 30 bows clips and barrettes in it. It was so wonderful. I love to play with them and see how they think and feel. To look into their eyes and see how beautiful they are on the inside and the outside. They are wise beyond their years and still retain their childlike wonder. I am so very grateful for that. I want them to feel like kids because that it what they are. They have big stuff to handle now and will throughout their lives. I am glad they can just be themselves and not be too big too fast.
I guess when they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, they really meant that.
I guess that they went away for the weekend is a good thing, since I think I am going to be trapped in the house with all the bugs all week. School was closed today and they are predicting another big storm to roll in tomorrow evening. Here in DE some streets are plowed, you just don't know which ones are. Fortunately for us the way our house sits gets pretty much full sun, so I have been spending my days cheering on the melting efforts. We have run out of places to put all the snow!
Our house is full of dress up and dances today. Last night in the car Elaina serenaded us with her "songs" THE WHOLE WAY home. (It's an hour and 15 minute drive to Grandma and Grandpa's in good conditions). She was singing her "Ava and Eric" songs. TO which I was chuckling. Some of the lyrics were, "I miss Ava I want she to come back, I want she to come back today. I have Ava her Highness. I have Eric his Highness. Emmylexa are my sisters." We were shocked when we were asked to sing with her. I had no idea I was going to be quizzed on her made up songs. So I asked her to teach it to me. Wouldn't you know that kid sang the same thing and the same tune? So then I really felt obliged to pay attention! I asked he to sing and Emily and Alexa song. "I can't Mommy, I don't have any of those songs. I only have an Ava song and an Eric song." -S-I-L-E-N-C-E- (rejoicing in the front of the car...premature rejoicing....) "Mommy! Oh I DO have an Emmylexa song. I didn't know I had one of those!" Cue the music....
Lain has been grappling with the notion of Heaven and the permanency of it. I comes out in her music, her play and her bedtime questions. We are trying to help her understand that it's not a bad place, and that it's not a threat. Right now I think she feels like she is going there soon. Such hard stuff to understand when you are two. I try daily at 36.
Today I sat on the floor and let the girls play with my hair. I had about 30 bows clips and barrettes in it. It was so wonderful. I love to play with them and see how they think and feel. To look into their eyes and see how beautiful they are on the inside and the outside. They are wise beyond their years and still retain their childlike wonder. I am so very grateful for that. I want them to feel like kids because that it what they are. They have big stuff to handle now and will throughout their lives. I am glad they can just be themselves and not be too big too fast.
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