Mother's Day

Today I learned that it is possible to feel special, appreciated, loved and deadened inside simultaneously. It's so weird to love the family you have with you and miss the one that is not.

Whenever I allow myself to think that we have two children, that I carried and we loved, held and cared for in our home, in Heaven I think that my heart stops. I am overwhelmed that we have as many children in Heaven that the average American family has. It's like a whole family. It's too much to handle on a good day, honestly. I usually try to separate them. It's holidays when the death of my kids hits me in the face.

I'm not griping about how blessed we are with our 3 surviving children. Not griping at all. But I'll tell you I'm not warm and fuzzy about Mother's Day either. Actually, I never have had the opportunity to be.

Eric made me a Mommy. My dream came true. On my first Mother's day I had empty arms. Then I had the girls. Then we had Elaina. But each year while I treasured all that we have, knowing all too well how quickly it can be gone, I realize that I don't want to celebrate the day. Oh the girls enthusiasm and love help, but to keep up the facade all day is just hard.

This year I am just numb. Honestly I appreciate all the love and support I have gotten and do get. To go to church for two services and then to work for 8 hrs is a long time to keep it together. I have to say though as much as I am loved and supported I would rather just have my kids. It's that simple.

I get angry that a simple man inspired day just intensifies the grief that I feel as I walk my walk. A day that is meant to show love and respect is always tainted. It's true that I am not the first and hardly the last who struggles with this day in the face of grief.

I just wish that it didn't have to be this way. But the apple was eaten. Christ was born. Christ died for us. Christ rose from the grave. This is why I can make it through a day like today.
This is why I can experience joy juxtaposed with sorrow and find hope through my despair. This is why I can love my kids like crazy and cherish their specially selected gifts. This is why I can freely grieve for my sweet baby boy and baby girl who I long to hold.