It's not always about Ava

It seems these days that once a week something breaks and we need to get it fixed or get a new one. There's lots of work that this house needs to have done on it some of it is necessary due to the age of the house, others it's necessary due to the poor work done by the builder. Regardless, the work needs to be done and that costs money.

I am grateful that we have been able to take care of all that is going on. Now we are encountering complications. The front door we ordered is too big for the frame, so of course, the only one they can find is twice the price. So we remeasure, and make decisions. The air conditioner is not working. All basic maintenance that we can do has been done. They guy comes out tomorrow.

Now we have a window with condensation in the middle of the panes. We thought there was an ant infestation, that seems to be resolving. The car didn't pass inspection. All basic maintenance. Some more costly than others. Our roof needs attention as well.

Allan is working mandatory 10 hr OT weekly. I miss him. Elaina is constipated and it's because she is strong willed and she is controlling it. She doesn't want to go.

All of these events are in control (well I wish Elaina didn't have so much control over one of the events). They are going to be taken care of. But I find that I am down. All of a sudden I am not OK. I was handling it. Now I'm done.

It's silly, I don't want to go backwards I want the door fixed. I want to know how much the car and the A/C will cost to fix. The door has been bugging us for a couple of years now. I just want it to lock and unlock without fanfare. I would like to have the new storm door up so that we don't have to watch our feet for the handle that falls off when we use it.

I worry about Elaina not going. I NEED her to just be OK. I know that this her freaky psychological control issues, but sometimes I get irrational and think that there is a lurking mitochondrial disease that will take her from me. I remember feeling this way when Emmy and Lexa were babies. Just *poof* and they would be gone.

I thought I was alone. I cried. The big bugs flew in and saw me. They asked me if I was sad about Ava. Oh look at that suddenly it was all about loosing her. They gave me Teddy to hold, Emmy played me a song on Daddy's broken Ukulele. Alexa suggested that I pray and she prayed with me. Then Alexa drew me a picture of Ava at the hospital, Emmy got me some photos and made a book about Ava.

Then I cried because my bugs are just so awesome and wonderful.

What it boils down to is that I don't feel safe and secure. I feel like we very easily can have the rug ripped out from under us before we know it and we will be aimlessly rolling in the abyss, again. Safety and security are emotions that are underrated. We need to feel both in order to thrive. Otherwise we waste our energy searching for ways to attain them, usually by looking down a rabbit hole of things, spirituality and what feels good in the moment.

Today I struggle with feeling secure in my environment. Finding safety in things that work and having a nest egg. I need to remember that my only security and safety is wrapped in the Arms of Jesus, the rest is temporary stuff. Resting in those things will lead to temporary feelings of safety and security.