and so it goes

Well, I knew if I wrote about how we were having a good week last week the tide would turn. Alexa was missing her sister like crazy yesterday. One of her school pictures was of Ava in her bed at the hospital. Then she lost her first tooth, so that seemed to break things up for her.

Elaina told me at lunch that she likes Dr. Murphy (her pediatrician), but not the other doctors. The hostival that was Ava's. That's what I'm scared of. She also asked me if Eric was a baby that was ours too. She is really trying to wrap her mind around so many things. The other night she was telling me about how Uncle David talked about Ava and God and Ava was in a box. My brother conducted the graveside service. I am so grateful that we have a little one who is so young but can express herself so very well. What a blessing so that she doesn't have be trapped by her thoughts.

Last night Emmy woke up crying for her sister at 1:30am.

I absolutely hate that these kids have to deal with this. It quite possibly breaks my heart more than the loss of my own children. We just use these moments to ask questions, talk, cry, hug and pray. I don't always know the "right" thing to say, but I try my best.

After Eric died I was in Carter's with my Mom. I was pregnant with my now toothless big bugs. I happened on a Very Hungry Caterpillar outfit (one thing we used to call Eric) and just cried. Put the outfit back and kept on shopping. It was significant in that I realized then that I would go about my day, cry, then go about my day. I think the girls are hitting that stride. It's just that with each developmental leap they have to frame their understanding of their loss. We revisit, reframe and then put on a leotard and twirl.