Strength and Energy

Ever have a day where you sit down to do something at the computer, get up and hour later and realize that you never accomplished your original intent? There you go. That is why the Blog has been silent.

I always knew I wasn't Super Woman. When I was 5 I knew I was Wonder Woman. I had the underoos to prove it too. Now 30+ years later, no super powers and sadly, no invisible jet.

There seems to be a new rhythm in the house these days. There is a lot of missing Ava and play about death. The heaviness of grief is not there. Last week I felt it creep in for me personally. I knew what it was and was so disappointed that it was coming back for a few days. I rather enjoy grieving with out that heavy laden feeling. Especially when there is so many tasks to accomplish in a day right now.

The bugs are all about making sense out of Ava being gone. They won't ever make sense out of it, but they try to wrap their little minds around it to the best of their abilities. After a week of Lain playing "I have to hold my baby because she is going to die soon", she told her daddy, "I'm tired of Ava dying and going to Heaven and I'm tired of Ava being sick."

Us too, Ladybug. Us too.

Layer these emotions and thoughts with daily living- laundry (always there, am I right ladies?), meals, groceries, cleaning, bills. Add bath time, snuggle time, play time, discipline time the mitigation of the emotions of 3 ladybugs (hmmm maybe Daddy is secretly happy about the mandatory OT). Add 16 hrs/week for work, homeschooling and the Joy-Hope Foundation. Sprinkled with a training program to run the Inaugural 5K which is in 11(GULP) days. The cherry on top? Things I like to call "mini commitments"- you know the ones that would usually consume you but since you are so busy they become items to check off the list. Season the schedule with post season baseball where the two house favorites are making a run the the ring. As it simmers the smells of fall and the annual events bring us right back to a time when Ava "was here". When she "came with us" to what ever event we are attending at the time.

Welcome to life at ours house. (OK, Lain doesn't say that anymore, but I love it so I pretend she still does).

I find myself in the middle of all of these things to do, that need to be done, and I want to get done. Oddly enough, they are being attended to. Some more than others, depending on the day. Some days we feel the emotions of our loss bubble to the surface so we stir and turn down the heat so it doesn't boil over and make a mess out of everything. Other times we let everything else go so they can boil over and see what mess there is to clean up.

As I was running the other morning I realized that there is no way that I can do all that is on my plate right now. Yet I have energy. I have drive. I have a team of people who God put in my path that I could not do this without. My ability is not my own.

He is orchestrating all that is happening in my life. I have energy and stamina because of Him. Wisdom? Him. Desire and Drive? Him. 3 living Ladybugs? Yup. Him. A wonderful teammate (except in baseball)? You got it. He did that too.

My life and my commitments are for Him and because of Him. The Joy-Hope Foundation is His. We are just simply obeying. It's not so simple when you are tired and out of juice. But then He propels us on to the next step. Then "Oh look here we are now".

It's quite a ride. I am happy to be on it. I will also be happy to have a bit a of a reprieve after the 5K. I can't wait to see how it will all turn out and how it will come together. This alone is amazing to watch unfold. It's such a neat way for me to see who really is in Charge and how we are all instruments for His plan.

Although I once REALLY REALLY believed I was Wonder Woman, and dabbled with the notion of being Superwoman I know that I am just a women standing is the arms of her Lord, putting one foot in front of the other, learning to use my energy for those who can't.


Check out the Joy-Hope Website! www.joyhopefoundation.com