Trick or Treat

For Halloween we had an Angel, a Kitty and a "Flamingo" Dancer. We were joined by Cleopatra, a Pilgrim and Hermonie. (Honestly I don't care about Harry Potter, so I don't know the name. What I do know is that you better not tell my niece that she was Harry Potter. She REALLY didn't appreciate it. Did you know Harry wore glasses? Her character does NOT.)

We had our ultra healthy Halloween dinner- baked potato soup and hot dogs. We went to every house that had a porch light on. We celebrated my sister in laws birthday with cake and presents. We gave everyone their 2 pieces of candy, shoved them off to bed, sorted the candy and had our 2 pieces as well.

The kids had a great time. I hope my sister in law had a good birthday. I know that my brother did not have a good time as he slept on the couch and tried not to infect all of us with his mysterious hot fever.

I can say that I did it. I find I retreat and become apathetic when I don't want to face something. Halloween, as it turns out to be, is one of the first "marks" in a string of crap that the sentence "last year" begins with. I am starting to notice that talk of birthdays, turkey and that guy in the red suit are becoming unavoidable.

My matching bugs will be 6 in a week. I have so many mixed emotions about that. I was realizing yesterday that at least I get to hug them on their birthday. I am thrilled about that. This birthday is highlighting how much I hate that I missed their birthday last year. They talk about their dinner and what they got. If I was around for some of it, it's all gone. That just makes me so mad. The reason I wasn't home makes me pretty mad too.

I struggle with how to embrace all the festivities on the horizon. How to make them fun and enjoyable for the bugs. How to make them feel special for us as a family. Instead I just remember all the horrible things my baby endured and the time we were trapped in the hospital with her. My mind is filled with how crappy the doctors were to her. And how I have trouble making them hear me about how you treat a patient. Seriously, I can get lost in that. It would only take 2 seconds for me to spiral down that emotionally difficult and dark path.

I think of my Angel, Kitty and "Flamingo" dancer and their smiles that brighten the night. I hold on a little tighter. While I may start to boil on the inside, the heat is turned down to a simmer. I put one foot in front of the other and my hot angry tears can give way to the warmth of love I feel for my bugs. It doesn't fix it, but it helps and sometimes just that is what we need.