I can't believe that my big bugs are going to be 6 next week. We are in the middle of planning their party. One that I hope will help fill their minds with positive memories in comparison to last years birthday. I know that I can't take the memory of their sister going to the hospital on their 5th birthday away from them. Yet I still want them to feel extra special.
I can't express how grateful I am to at least have them to hug and love on their birthday. Sometimes I can't believe that I get to keep them. Of course then there are THOSE days.... I struggle with how I waffle between feeling amazingly blessed by being able to earthly Mommy my three living bugs and how robbed and angry I feel that I have 2 not here. Then I get mad that others get to have "another" baby. Like I'm not good enough. Then I see my girls and feel guilty that I ever think that way.
I don't want them ever to not feel like they are enough. They are so wonderful and make our family what it is. I grapple with what I feel- my joy and love for them are separate from the loss and emptiness I feel without Eric and Ava. They know that it is what it is. I try not to put on them a need to fill any voids I have. I worry about that.
There are so many people that talk about wishing they were five when all they had to worry about was what to watch on TV and what to color. I would give anything for my five year olds, soon to be six, to have that be the awareness level in their lives. Heck , I wish it was my awareness level too.
So for their birthday (s) I go over the top with a party, probably gifts too. Maybe it's my way to celebrate what I have and who they are. I used to think that I wouldn't be the 'let's have a party every year' type Mom. Here we are, having one every year. The lives of my children are worth my celebration. We all survived this year. We have each other to hold on to. I think that calls for a party.
Of course, it's going to be an "Under the Sea/ Teddy Bear Picnic" party. Which leaves me to wonder how that will work. But that's OK. I'll probably figure it out the night before the party anyway.
For now I think of all they accomplished in the the last year. I can say that I am one proud and blessed Mommy.
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You are blessed and you have every reason to be proud! No one, NO ONE, would want to endure all that you endured in the past year and yet you did more then survive, you did better then just put one foot in front of the other... you made your little piece of the world better and brighter and more hopeful. You shared joy and smiles and laughter despite tears and anger and frustration and sorrow. Your family is amazing and celebrating is more then appropriate, it's necessary!
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