Blooms and Bugs

The big bugs are 6. I can hardly believe where the time went. I look at how much they've changed and grown since the first time I saw them, 6 weeks before their due date and only 5 pounds 1 ounce and 4 pounds 9 ounces. I am in awe.

In all honesty, their birthday was bad. They were both so sad the whole day and the days leading up to it. Last year, Ava went to the hospital on their 5th birthday. On the Sunday before their birthday I talked with Allan about a new approach. When dealing with tough issues I am from the "let them approach it with you" school of thought. We were all going down hill fast. Then I realized, if Allan and I are feeling this way and are taken aback by the root of the emotion, how the heck would the buggie boos be able to identify what is happening in their little minds?

So we had a family meeting at lunch. We were talking about what traditions are in the days preceding, so we continued on the theme. We have bookmarks in our memory about what happened last year, we all do. Right now through the end of the year, all those bookmarks are in pages of not great images of Ava, us not being there for them, others caring for them, and for Allan and myself lots of negative flashbacks regarding her care by a few physicians. (We try to balance them out with the images of those who cared for her very well too, but the bad sometimes takes over). We talked about how hard this is for us as well as them. We talked about how OK it is to feel all the jumbled up things we are feeling inside. We remembered that even during the bad times of Ava in the hospital, we have some precious memories of her too.

Armed with that knowledge- we muddled through the first marker of what will most likely be a rocky time in the Benton house. We tried to have fun together. We went out to lunch and they got free dessert and a song. I just cried because I was not home last year to sing to them. I cried because they were so sad during the song. I cried because they were there, with me and they made it another year. I peered their image in the rear view mirror and saw the long faces. Alexa simply stated, "We're having a hard time, Mom." So we just made a 4 Benton pile on the couch and snuggled in front of the TV for an hour. Megan and Mrs. B coming over to give love and Daddy coming home early to go watch them in gymnastics class helped turn the day around.

After they went to bed, I hit one of the lowest lows I've had in quite a long time. I could not feel how awful I felt. I couldn't put words to it. I knew that there was no possible way I could make it through the end of the year. All forward just seemed black. I asked Allan what he does if and when he gets that way. He answered, "I think of all the good things". Honestly, I could not think of a good thing. All my good things were over shadowed by a black cloud of grief too.

I sometimes wonder how anyone can understand the horrific grief we feel. The 2 cards we get from the hospital offering condolences, and offers to light a candle. The two letters from the cemetery wanting to know if I want to put a wreath on the graves of my 2 babies I will never hold here again. The two letters from the funeral home wanting to know if I want to light a candle. I really don't want to do any of it EVER. I just want them. I just want a baby to hold and love. I want my bugs to not be so sad. And I really really wish that we weren't called to the Joy-Hope Foundation for I wish that there was not a need to help those who truly do understand.

My bugs are all dealing in their own way and somewhat the same as even Allan and me. They don't understand. They are hurt that "everyone else" gets to have a baby to love and we can't. We write letters to Ava, we write down anything we remember about her. We ask poignant questions. We snuggle. We pray.

I pulled myself up by me bootstraps and fed off of Allan's determination to let them have a good day at their party. We talked about the outside games and if they wanted it to be the same as last year. Emily told me that it would help her. They did have a really good time, tempered with a couple emotional outbursts and sad faces. Alexa's theme choice was interwoven with Ava which proved to be hard when Teddy's image had to be cut so we could serve the cake. The Happy Birthday song was sad, because last party, Ava was there to help "sing". Over all though they have happy memories.

The bugs and I talked that the happy memories will help next year. Yet it's OK if some hard stuff about Ava pops ups, even when they are 80. It's a big deal I tell them. They were afraid of turning 6 because they didn't want to get further away from Ava. We decided that she is always in our hearts.

We've had frost a few times. My former single stem yellow rose in the front now boasts new growth and 2 buds. At Emily and Alexa's party, we all found ladybugs on our legs, backs, necks. In the car yesterday they asked why there were so many ladybugs at the party and none now. "Because God loves you so much and knew you were having a hard time, He gave you ladybugs." Then we imagined all that happens in the world in a day. We are that important and that loved that He just gives us some bugs and blooms as a reminder of who is Sovereign. As a reminder of how we are not forgotten, nor are we a lone. He compels friends to tell us that we were prayed for because they felt compelled to, without the foreknowledge that we were a drowning bunch. He allows us to feel that blackness, so we can move to the light. Sometimes it's a slow process, but the process is the most important part of the route.

So we enter the 6th year, full of grief but in the process of healing. With a realization that we are on the horizon of big emotions of the everyday kid who isn't focusing on the death of a sibling. (You know- he called me "stupid and dude and batman in gym class). With Him, even if there are times that we don't think we can feel His presence, we pull it all together.