Traditions

The bugs love their cousins! What a whirlwind 30 hours where they got to play with all of them. So while they played, Daddy went to work and I shopped with my Dad, My Sister and my Niece. My Dad and I shop every Black Friday together. Our tradition since the day Eric was hospitalized.

Our next tradition after the shopping, is to start decorating for Christmas. I love Christmas time. I love the way our house looks, I love the excitement and anticipation. I love the twinkle in the bugs eyes. I love how we whisper plans and dream about all our traditions. It's amazing to me how much of last year I don't remember. I tried to remember where we shopped last year. Blank. I tried to remember my birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Allan's Birthday. Nothing. I know that if someone tells me, I'll remember it. On my own? Nothing. I was noticing this as we unpacked some decorations. I don't remember putting them out or puttting them away last year. I also don't really remember where some came from either.

This year, as with the Christmases directly following Eric's death, I am trying to get there. I want to feel that anticipation of the celebration of Christ's birth. My love language is totally in line with the holiday. I love to give gifts just as much as I love to receive them. (And I'll tell you, I L-O-V-E presents). I will get there, I can have Hope and Joy. I like to.

What I notice this year is that it is hard to find the "thing" to give as a gift. I feel a little like, "what does it matter, it's just stuff." That being said, I wouldn't feel like that if Allan came home with something in the diamond category or a ... Dyson, or some Wusthof knives.

The things of this world are not that important. Our relationships are. Times together and ever our very traditions. The things that seem to store the memories that are treasures, painful and poignant. The routines that touch our very souls and make us feel connected to the ones who have gone before and connect us to the ones who are within reach. This year the bigger bugs are remembering all the "things" we do at Christmas time. They are remembering the traditions we started and missed last year and are asking to reinstate them.

I love that they remember all these things. But I don't love that we didn't do them last year. I don't love that Elaina does not know how "we make pie" together and the Bigger Bugs don't know that I "know how to make bread" (..."But Mom, is THAT how Grandmas does it?"). So I think I need to do those things more with them. I need to dig deep, stop feeling sorry for myself and remind them that we do love to bake.

Tonight we decorated our Christmas tree. I cried, as I do every year. I miss my kids. I really do. My Bugs let me cry without getting upset about it. They told me that it was going to be ok. I got a back rub and Teddy came to give me a hug. (To think that last year when Santa visited Ava at the Hospital and dropped off that bear and I thought 'oh great now what am I going to do with another stuffed animal'.) I simply told my Bugs that I just cry, because I just miss those babies.

So there is another tradition. I don't think that it will end anytime soon. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it to. Neither Eric nor Ava made it to Christmas. But they do have their own ornaments. Our Christmas Tree is one of the few places that I get to have a representation that we are a family of 7, not 5. We all hang our own ornaments, and we all share the responsibility of hanging Eric and Ava's. We remember that if Christ was not born, we would not be reunited. That's a pretty good tradition too.