I think I'm finding the end of my rope

I am going to be completely honest. I've had it. My body and my soul are spent. We have not slept the night through in at least a week. The bigger bugs have been coughing and gagging for what seems like forever now. I feel shaky and like I'm getting the "cough". Every time we put them down to sleep someone is coughing to throw up the whole night through. It's heart breaking. The sad part is that Allan and I don't have the energy to handle it.

The questions the bugs are asking are mind blowing and gut wrenching. I fight to find patience and compassion as I try to manage their sadness and help them understand that which we cannot. My soul hurts for Alexa who asked why Ava had to go to the hospital on her birthday. My soul cringes every time Elaina coughs and wakes up crying. My souls weeps when I look into Emily's eyes, full of saddens and hope. My soul aches when I look at that all too familiar far away look on Allan's face. My soul screams when I see my helpless daughter laying in her bed, still trying with all she can muster. I sometimes feel like I, too, will crumble just like Ava and Eric's metabolism.

The thing I dread the most is the sadness that comes when your child dies. With Eric it was better in this regard as I didn't know what I was in for. With Ava we have experience. We know the depths of that pain. We survived it. With God we can again. But to muster up that amount of courage again. Courage to feel that pain and allow it to flow through us so that it doesn't get trapped. Courage to let go of holding onto someone who isn't here with us anymore. Courage to go to the place that is so dark and scary that you don't think you can come back up for air. The courage it takes can only be given from God. The thing is that if I have the courage to fully grieve Ava, then I won't get stuck in the process. I know that. I did that with Eric. I was dedicated to it. This time I just don't know if I will have the strength to muster up the necessary courage.

After Ave becomes completely healed we have to come home to a house full of treasures. We have to reign in the bugs and take control of our family again. We have to figure out how to grocery shop, get the kids to school, do laundry, cook, pay bills, work so we can pay bills. All the mundane that after Eric died we had the luxury of taking our time with and slowly adding responsibility in.

Now we have to manage the mundane with the emotions of 3 very hurt little girls. We have to manage that too. This is such a long road. It's windy and will be intense. I can already feel myself becoming annoyed with the dumbest of things. Right now I'm on the fence between feeling sad about what is going to happen and knowing how much more intense that sadness becomes.

If the truth be told I think I am the most upset with the fact that I have to be THAT sad again. I was commenting while I was newly pregnant with Ava that I finally, after 5 years, started to feel "normal" again. I took a deep breath to relish the feeling. I am not happy at all with the prospect of what is to come.

Ava is still with us on this earth and I got a small taste of the future. Before updating the Blog I was looking into how to approach planning a trip to Disney. I was registering for a planning DVD and had to fill out the years of birth of the children who would be travelling. There were 4 slots and I only got to fill out 3. It plain stunk.

On the flip side, when I talk with Emily about Heaven and how she will be reunited with her sister and her brother her eyes sparkle. She is looking toward the promises of God to get through her days. She can so beautifully express how she is feeling. While visiting her baby sister I told her that we don't know when God will decide to call Ava to Heaven, but I thought it would be soon. She told me, "I want it to be long". I told her that we all do and wish that could be true.
I then showed her how Ava can't really control her body. Emmy grabbed her sister's finger and Ava squeezed Emmy's. She then tried to open her eye for Emmy. (Isn't like kids to always do the opposite of what you are talking about?)

At bedtime Emmy told me that she wished Ava would be here long and that we all do, but we think it will be short. I asked what will happen to Ava when she 'goes to God'. Alexa said she'll get a new body. I told the girls that when this happens Ava will not be broken anymore. Emmy said, "But we thought it was just her ears". I told her that we found out that she has more broken in her body, like Eric. I reminded them that Ava's body can't make enough energy for her to control her body. ('Mommy we can control our bodies'). I asked them that what would be better for Ava. They both said that she would be better off in Heaven with God, with a new body, and playing with Eric. Emmy wanted to know if Ava would get her new body and be healed as soon as she met God. You should have seen the look of relief when she found out that Ava would be completely healed!

That sweet girl, she is so sad, but wants the best for her baby. The biggest bugs and I talked about how it's OK to be sad and that God KNOWS how very sad we are. I promised them that He will help us and we will help each other.