Ho Ho Ho

Merry Christmas! It is a great day to reflect not on all we've lost, but what we've gained and have. The joy that I usually feel on Christmas is dulled, but I know it's there. It's reflected in the twinkle in the eyes of my three beautiful girls. They are full of hope and peace.

We gave them each a photo book of each bug with Ava. I took special pictures of them with her from the time she was born so they would always have them, in case she died. I am so very grateful that I made a point to do that instead of bury my head in denial of the very distinct possibility. This morning each of our bugs appreciated this book as much as all the other "kid" stuff they received. (Thank you to a whole bunch of elves disguised as Social Workers, Case Managers, Performance Improvement and some nurses from my work.)

As I type Allan is playing with one of his toys from those same elves: a remote control truck. It was so fun to hear him exclaim, "yeah!".

Our plans for the new year are lofty, but hopefully attainable. There will be a 5K for Ava in the spring. We are going to move full steam ahead on getting the Joy-Hope Foundation off the ground. I will continue to make prayer bracelets (with the help of Emmy and Lexa). They can't wait to help. We really need to potty train the headstrong two year old who is more than ready. We also need to regroup as a family and individuals and try to make sense of what just happened to us. We need to grieve and do so courageously. Allan and I may take a weekend away. We are also hoping to go to Disney so we can see the sparkle in those six gorgeous brown eyes. Who knows, maybe I will have a little glimmer in there too.

During the season of grief there are always abundant lessons and truths. They form in the darkness and shoot forth a ray of light for that moment. If you keep an eye out if can become a lifeline, so to speak. God throws us the proverbial rope so that we don't slip into a deep depression. A pit that is seemingly impossible to climb out of. Each situation that causes grief has it's own lessons to assist in the season of life that you are in.

My lesson that I have identified in these early minutes, before the reality of the loss sets in, is that I need to live by faith, but intentionally at the same time. It's crazy. I never thought those two things could go hand in hand, but they do. God has been providing for our every need, tenfold, during Ava's brief and bold life. Now, He is doing so even more in the aftermath of her death. I know He will take care of all the details. But I have to make a list of the things that I need to do so that I can get them done. He is directing the course we are on and we want to obey. The story of Eric and Ava is not over, God is telling us that. Their lives are complete on this earth, but there is more work to be done.

This is a tricky thing for me. I don't ever want to be holding onto them because I can't let them go. If I did that I would get stuck in my grief. Time marches on and so must we. But there are things that we are feeling called to do, to assist those families who will have to walk a similar path that we are.

The list for the moment is as follows: Watch Allan play with his remote control monster truck and launch it over the ramp and pillow he set up. Cook the "roast beast" (standing rib roast). Delight in my children and my husband. Miss my babies. Play with my Mom and Dad. Find a reason to use my new griddle. Rest in Jesus.