Processing

I've been thinking about all the babies in my life. We are in the season of life where we are all building our families. Eric was born in the "first round" of babies amongst our group of friends. After he died, I tried to be as involved as I could, but it hurt so much to have empty arms and watch everyone else with their babies. The problem is that I love those kids. They are a part of our extended family. I forced myself to be as involved as I could. But it was really hard. I missed out a lot.

Ava also has many friends born about the same time as she. These kids I also love. This time my house is full, but very empty at the same time. A big difference is that I am still a Mommy with a mission. After Eric I was a Mommy without one. I like having a mission still. It is just as hard to see those other babies, but in a different way. I want to be a part of their lives. Ava was made for the life she lived. These children are still unfolding into the wonders of God's promises and plans for them. I do want to hold them and love them. So I am trying to do that now so they don't become taboo. I'll tell you, it's not so bad.

One thing I pray for is protection over the children of our friends and family. I pray that no others have to walk this road that we are on. I know that is so not possible. Other children will die. But I ask God to keep families in tact. I don't see that there is a problem with that. I also know that we can support those who may have to walk that road someday. We are happy to do that too. It's not a fun club to be in, but it's our life.

I so wish that our babies had a problem that modern medicine could touch and help with. I wish there was at least some hope medicine could provide that the form of mitochondrial disease our children suffered from could be helped. That is not the case. I don't know if it ever would be the case, there is much more research that has to take place first.

I go to bed and not know what the next day will bring. Sometimes it's more tough than others, sometimes it's a hair easier. The sadness and loss we feel ripples through our family at different times. It's unpredictable and sometimes feels like the wind was knocked out of you. I am noticing that God is making sure one out of the 5 of us is a little more up to help those that are a little more down.

The ache will dull. The pain will not be as poignant. There will always be a hole though and that's OK. I wish I could fast forward this road. It took 5 years before I started to feel lots like me again after Eric. It's not fun knowing what you are in for. Then again, I don't really. Ava's life and death is and was way different than that of her brother. The aftermath of our grief will follow suit, I suppose. It already is. It doesn't make it hurt less, just different.