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My wonderful big brother is going to sit with our beautiful baby this morning so we can get a little ready for Christmas. My heart is at the hospital, but I need to be here for a bit too.

Last night I didn't post what I started yesterday because the lap top's battery ran out. I was making photo books for the bigger bugs. Book of each of them with Ava so they can always see how well they love their sister and how much love she had for them.

To say that cycling through those pictures to find the right ones to use was hard is an understatement. It really showed me the progression of how unbearably ugly and degenerative this disease is. Ava is living her life right now on the brink of death. Yet she is doing it better than I think I live mine, fully functional.

I've wondered how Eric's life and death jumbled in with Ava's life and illness would shake out. How would I separate the grief the pain, the joy the hope. How would each child get their due in my humble mind. I can tell you all I know right now. It is different, because they are different people. I love each of our 5 unconditionally and I love them differently, where they are and for who they are. In sorrow and grief that individualistic love is expressed in a way unique to each child. This is a relief to me as I have been concerned how that would play out.

I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God can heal our daughter. But I ACCEPT without reservation that that kind of miracle would have to be in accordance with His plan. That type of miracle would not be for the Benton family, although we would benefit immensely, but it would be for His glory and purpose.

As much as I long for that to be in accordance with God's plan, I know that if and when Ava is called into His presence He will be glorified and she will experience the most amazing miracle of healing there is. She will become fully restore and will truly "fly on the wings of eagles." She will truly be able to "run and not grow weary and walk and be faint". I will be so earthly sad when and if that day comes. But I am eternally grateful.