Sunday Morning

Ava had another good night last night. Let's keep stringing them together. Actually, she needed to be sedated today because her plethora of tubes we aggravating her. So far she is beautifully tolerating her feeds and the vent weaning process. I got to change 2 messy diapers this morning.
Her gross movement was better and she was trying to open her eyes some. She is off the IV fluid and is getting an ounce of 24 calorie formula an hour now. As a result she is less puffy and looks a little more like our baby girl. She was getting all hot and bothered when they repositioned her. It's nice to see some level of spunk.

Never in a million years would I have thought that Ava would be fighting back the way she is. I have great hope for her today. I also am experiencing a floodgate of love for her. I've been holding back since we found out that she failed her newborn hearing screen. I've been so fearful of loosing her. But today it's all there and I can't hold back any longer.

I was remembering how I was so over the moon when little Elaina was born. I went back to work just so in love with her. I've been sad that all that joy I felt for Elaina has not been there with Ava. I've been filled with worry, and concern about her health. Today I look at that beautiful girl who was on the cusp of death and I admire her. I adore her. No matter what may be "wrong" with her I want her. There is so much more on the line now that I am feeling my true feelings. But If I didn't allow it and then she did die how would that be fair to her? She deserves the unabashed love that we can give. When she was born we talked about how she was the gift we never even knew we wanted. But we got her and we so want her.

There are two recurring themes since Ava was given to us. The first is that Ava just needs to eat. I said this after her critical blood sugar after birth. Actually I said "it's not Trisomy 18, Downs Syndrome or mitochondrial disease. Ava was hungry". It was amazing how she perked up after that early feed. The other is that we've often spoken about through Ava God maybe getting us where we need to go in Eric's aftermath. In a grand scheme I really don't know what all that means. I just know that they are things I can't get out of my mind.

Right now I'm going to go an kiss my baby so she can hit my head with her IV laden arm. Then I plan on locating some not gross coffee. After that I'm going to get ready for the Ladybug invasion as they are coming to kiss their baby today.