Stuff in my Head

I went to bed last night a little unsettled. Not too bad, but not what you would have expected after the nice day we had yesterday. Then I realized that Eric went to the hospital with what we hoped was an infection. It was the disease fast, furious, ferocious. We would get intermittent good news not knowing if it was good at all. Eric would have good moments. He had a monkey too. He discovered it and was comforted by it in the hospital. After each good moment, that I now view as a "breather" and a gift from God to help us get to the next step, something terrible would happen and the day would stretch into what seemed like a year. We would hold onto any thread of hope that we could grasp, knowing deep down that it was futile but all we had. We watched him slip away from us every day, slowly but surely our prayer requests changed from just let it be this to OK if he's only like that we can do it. To finally, Lord please heal our baby and take him Home.

We know Ava is sick right now. We know she's got no reserve because she has had a rough time getting bigger. I know we got some really encouraging news yesterday. But I feel like I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. I can't possibly believe that she will get well from this, that pumping her full of calories will improve her neurological status, that this nightmare will end.

Do I HOPE for all those things? Absolutely. I feel that they have a better shot of coming true than they did for Eric. But I can't let myself get carried away with it because we've been so crushed before.

I've always told people in the aftermath of Eric's death that there is never any guarantee that it wouldn't happen again to our family. God does not promise us that. He promises that if we believe in Him and that His son is our Lord and Savior we will have eternal life. We will be completely healed from our sin and be ushered into His presence. There is no sin, there is no disease, there is no ugliness of this world with Jesus.

I've also tried to make it very clear to God and everyone around me that while we are not "good enough" to be spared from that type of suffering again we certainly would prefer to never have to do that again. Seriously, we aren't kidding. This time around we have so much more on the line having our three daughters to usher through this. We know He is carrying and protecting them.

So I Hope for my deaf baby who had a rough go. I hope that I get to keep her, hold her, touch her. I cling to what I can find to get me through the next minute, hour, day. I know that He has the only answer. I know that He will help me continue to breath. I hope that Ava continues to recover and annoys me just as much as her three wonderful sisters do someday.