Not so Great

Ava is pretty sick right now. More IV's, more blood draws more support. Her lactate is up. So we have heavy hearts. But for some unexplainable reason, we are not ready to throw in the towel. Boy do we understand what is going on. My body is tired of the fight. But that little baby laying in that crib is fighting. She smiles, she cries, she opens her eyes. She's trying. It makes it so hard to know what to do.

There really is no human way that Ava can overcome this. There just isn't. We both have not gotten the "word" from God that it is time for her to go Home. So we sit here and wait, still.

We have no results, we have no answers.

We had the girls come in today. They needed to see their sister and she needed to see them. I can not begin to tell you the depth of my agony watching those girls love Ava, give her a snugly toy, and tell me that they want to bring her home. I get so upset that they have to deal with this in their young lives. It's when I cry out the most, "Why would you do this to them??" It's OK to question. It's OK to be angry. God can take it and He wants it from us. I will never ever know the answer as to why we are called to this. Why our daughters have to endure such heart ache and sorrow. What I would do to wipe that look from their eyes. I know this is part of God's plan for them as well and they are made to take it. But my heart is ripped out thinking about it. It's too raw, deep and yet right there, under the surface.

I keep hearing stories of children who almost died and who were healed. It happens. I wish it were for us.