Processing

Tonight we did get the chance to decorate our Christmas Tree. Every year I have a good cry when I put Eric's ornament on the tree. It's my moment to just be with my memories of him or maybe just to remember how much I just miss him I suppose. That is not what happened this year. Eric's ornament box came out and Alexa called out, "Who wants to hang Eric's Ornaments?" Seconds later Emily and Elaina were in front of her. They took his special ones out and appreciated each one. Alexa said, "We are hanging Eric's ornaments for him because our brother is in heaven with Jesus. So we will do it for him." How could I cry? It was just so special to see each one of those girls treasure the brother they never had the chance to meet.

I realized yesterday that Ava didn't have any ornaments yet. So Ava's Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents are getting her some. I just really wanted to have her ornaments on the tree while she is living. I don't know her outcome for sure, but just in case.

Then I realized that how can it be so profoundly sad to decorate the tree each year with two holes in my heart? It will be the one time of year that I will have something special for all 5 of my children in one place. After seeing how the girls handled Eric's ornaments I wonder if they can handle this way better than Allan and I can.

How can we be so filled with despair that we won't see the joy on their little faces and the lights of the tree twinkle in their eyes? There is always hope. There is always life. Jesus gives us the reason to have hope and to live life.

I'm not saying that this is an easy transition for me. Not at all. Our journey, individually and as a family is just beginning. God is revealing Himself to us in so many surprising ways. He really is in all the details. All things that I seem to worry about are just taken care of. Our needs are being provided for.

At Ava's bedside tonight I said that I will never know why God created Ava for this. I know it's just, I know it's sovereign, but I don't think it's kind. As I was saying it I was noticing the Grace with which Ava handles her medical struggles. I wonder if she hurts, if she feels trapped or frustrated. She does cry, but she smiles too. She opens her eyes more when we touch her or kiss her. She is not miserable. She looks peaceful and content for the majority of the time. So in the midst of me saying how unkind Ava's situation is, there is our daughter. She was created to carry this mighty burden and how we hate that she was. But there she is doing it, bearing it. Way better than we ever could. In what looks to be unkind, Ava is being imparted with God's grace so that she and press on as well. I never really thought that through until I started to write this. But there it is.

To come home weary from the day, throw on some Christmas music and try to get jolly is a great way to unwind. To see the joy in those eyes, even if they are still parts of pale not feeling well faces, is a relief. Elaina just played with all the ornaments. They were on some kind of Princess convention. Alexa held up a star and told us it was the star Jesus died on (we just let that one slide). Then she found an angel and told us it was like the one He sent. Emily was lost in arranging the Christmas Village and astounding herself with all the memories of last Christmas that are flooding back. She is so excited to remember traditions, and where decorations go.

As we tucked the biggest bugs in they had more questions about Ava and "if she dies". Elaina prayed for "Ava in the hostival and Eric in heaven". Concepts that she's working on since our discussion last night. I feel tugs at my heart as I look at the stockings and wish I knew if I needed to make another one (which I can assure you would never have been done if Ava were healthy). I couldn't stop myself from wishing that next year there would four little ladybugs individually running under the mistletoe with Daddy for a kiss.

Tonight I am sad for what we are going through. But I am full of hope for what we can overcome. Whether or not Ava lives or dies we will have to muddle through together. We will have to have our family traditions. Some will be silly, some mixed with sad. But they are ours and they make us, us. If we keep ourselves fixed on the path that God leads us to, we will make it to our destination. The road is never easy. That is never promised to us. How I wish it were. This is way harder than loosing Eric. But God does promise He will be there. We have to let Him. We need to listen to Him, even when we are angry. He is there.