Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Processing

I've been thinking about all the babies in my life. We are in the season of life where we are all building our families. Eric was born in the "first round" of babies amongst our group of friends. After he died, I tried to be as involved as I could, but it hurt so much to have empty arms and watch everyone else with their babies. The problem is that I love those kids. They are a part of our extended family. I forced myself to be as involved as I could. But it was really hard. I missed out a lot.

Ava also has many friends born about the same time as she. These kids I also love. This time my house is full, but very empty at the same time. A big difference is that I am still a Mommy with a mission. After Eric I was a Mommy without one. I like having a mission still. It is just as hard to see those other babies, but in a different way. I want to be a part of their lives. Ava was made for the life she lived. These children are still unfolding into the wonders of God's promises and plans for them. I do want to hold them and love them. So I am trying to do that now so they don't become taboo. I'll tell you, it's not so bad.

One thing I pray for is protection over the children of our friends and family. I pray that no others have to walk this road that we are on. I know that is so not possible. Other children will die. But I ask God to keep families in tact. I don't see that there is a problem with that. I also know that we can support those who may have to walk that road someday. We are happy to do that too. It's not a fun club to be in, but it's our life.

I so wish that our babies had a problem that modern medicine could touch and help with. I wish there was at least some hope medicine could provide that the form of mitochondrial disease our children suffered from could be helped. That is not the case. I don't know if it ever would be the case, there is much more research that has to take place first.

I go to bed and not know what the next day will bring. Sometimes it's more tough than others, sometimes it's a hair easier. The sadness and loss we feel ripples through our family at different times. It's unpredictable and sometimes feels like the wind was knocked out of you. I am noticing that God is making sure one out of the 5 of us is a little more up to help those that are a little more down.

The ache will dull. The pain will not be as poignant. There will always be a hole though and that's OK. I wish I could fast forward this road. It took 5 years before I started to feel lots like me again after Eric. It's not fun knowing what you are in for. Then again, I don't really. Ava's life and death is and was way different than that of her brother. The aftermath of our grief will follow suit, I suppose. It already is. It doesn't make it hurt less, just different.

6 comments:

  1. When I watched the video before of Ava and all of you, all I could think of is what a huge hole that must be for you now. I can't even imagine. I am praying.

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  2. Having Mercy only 5 days after you had Ava is such a reminder for me every day that you've lost your little girl. I just can't imagine.
    I am so amazed that you are able to hold Mercy and be so gracious and loving despite that huge hole you have in your heart. Thank you for praying for other families to stay in tact. It's something most people wouldn't really think of praying for. You are awesome.

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  3. Hi Amy--I dont know you or your precious family, but I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you guys. I am so sorry for the suffering that you have experienced--I cry as I read your blog. Try to rest in God. I dont understand why He would have allowed sweet Ava to die--I do know though that He loves us so much that He did not spare His own son's life for us. Please know, I will be praying for you guys.

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  4. Your faith is inspiring to everyone that is reading your story. You mention holding other babies, I can't imagine doing that without crying each and every time, but good for you for doing it anyway. I have a family member who lost a little girl and she has never gotten close to my girls as a result... and I sense it when she is around them. I am sad for her but also sad for my girls because she will never be close to them. We have Ava's magnet on our fridge so we are constantly reminded to pray for your family.

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  5. The Lord will use you to minister to others who who experience similar trials and difficulties. All that happens in this life, the Lord matures his people and uses them for His glory.
    God's grace is sufficient always.

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  6. While Ava was sick, I prayed that she and Carli would one day be friends. I still think of that when I hold Carli at night. I now have a clue as to how blessed I am to be able to do that. Maecy still reminds me to pray for Ava each night and at mealtime. I told her that God has healed Ava in heaven but we continue to pray for her and thank God that she is in His hands.

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