Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Coming Home

What a whirlwind! We sailed right through April into June. Allan was given a month off from work so he could work on the Joy-Hope Foundation. I am so proud of all he accomplished during that month. Today is his first day back and I am missing having him around. I'm back to that sense of feeling lost. I realized how much easier it is to live my life with him in the house.

I suppose we will all adjust to being back in the real world, so to speak. But I'm just saying that to have him around there are 2 of us to field all the Ava issues that crop up. I find that it's easier for me to not take on their emotions when Allan's here with me.

We also had the opportunity to travel during the first week of June. Let me tell you Alabama is really really far away from Delaware. The Bugs did so great in the car though. It is pretty funny that whenever we get in the car there are questions of "how long will this take?" "is this as far as Aunt Debbie's house?". It seems nobody trusts us anymore. :-)

The hardest thing about going away is the coming home. We all feel free and unencumbered then back to reality. I know that this is true for all who return from vacation. The twist I am figuring out is that I don't like to come home. There are too many "reminders" lurking in every corner. I keep thinking that maybe if I paint or redecorate it will help. Then I wonder if that is the right answer.

After Eric died we were able to move into this house. We needed a bigger place since our exersaucers did not really fit in our townhouse. I recall the feeling of being able to breathe again. It felt fresh and new. A fresh start. Not running away, mind you, but fresh. A move is not feasible now. I'm OK with that. I just wish I knew how to make this place not feel like such a tomb. It's like a vortex of grief we all get sucked into when we re-enter our lives.

For me this is negative in that I become easily discouraged and less motivated. I work hard to keep my head above water. I find that other peoples joys bug me. I am so so happy for them, but jealous for me. I hate that. I also find that I wait for the phone call, email, facebook message that will reaffirm me. I hope something huge happens for the Foundation and find that it's small steps that will get to the huge. Yet I sit, impatiently.

I wonder what example I set for our Bugs. We know and Trust that God is in control and has our collective backs. We lean on Him. We do. But to have a disengaged Mommy is something I wish I knew how to rectify. I suppose one tiny step at a time.