Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Long Time No Hear

Hello blog! It's been a long long long time. So many times I had a thought and the intent to sit down at the computer and blog. Just not the motivation.

We made it through Eric and Ava's anniversaries and Christmas. Then I kind of crashed. Not in a bad way. I just sort of shut down and took a step back. The last year and a half has been high impact, busy and my mind got tired.

We've been keeping it simple around our house lately. There has been a refreshing break is our house. I call it the "post one year anniversary reprieve". It's been a great blessing. There is only so long that you can get battered by those waves of grief without coming up for air. The energy in the house has been easier. It's like we can all breathe a little better.

I so remember that refreshing feeling once we hit Eric's first Anniversary. I'm not saying that the grief goes away. It's just morphing into something different. The heavy black cloud that is ever looming is now up a little higher and maybe a little less dark. That is nice.

Each of the bugs have been growing, changing and maturing. It is just so fun to watch. My Dad's birthday was a couple weeks ago. The big bugs decided to throw him a surprise "Handy Manny" birthday party. (My Dad fixes everything in our house!) They spent many hours snuggling and watching Handy Manny with him while Ava was in the hospital. What once was something they did with Grandpa has become a special thing and important to all of them. Oh and when one of the Bugs says that you are a "Handy Manny" watch out- that's a high compliment in these parts.

So for his Surprise party- They told him the whole plan they concocted- it will be at his house, Uncle D will take him out to look at wood (my brother and my dad are pretty adept at wood crafting-cool skill they both have and we reap the benefits!). We will have everybody come, and Grandma makes the cake. We made a paper maiche Handy Manny Pinata, Made a Handy Manny table cloth complete with duct tape- had a Handy Manny Relay Races with Turner and Pat at the batons. We played a Handy Manny CD (Los Lobos people- it's hysterical). Grandpa cut his Handy Manny cake ("We break it- YOU fix it" instead their theme "you break it we fix it) with Alexa's Dusty. It was hysterical and she is still ticked about it. You know he didn't even ask and now Dusty smells like cake, blah blah blah- I'm 6 and these are the things I can't let go. So we, the good parents we are- threaten her that we will use Dusty to cut stuff all the time.

Let me tell you that was such fun to plan this party and focus on something else. The bugs thoughtfulness and attention to detail was so awesome.

In the middle of all of this, my Uncle had been fighting a very surprising and aggressive Leukemia. He was diagnosed just before Christmas and has spent the majority of his time in the ICU. But he is fighting and is currently making some white blood cells. My Aunt's life has been turned upside down as she lives in the ICU. Something which I empathize with. As the bugs caught wind of Uncle Don being so sick, we got to see a window into their big huge hearts.
They pray for him daily, if not more. They draw him pictures and they collected their change and gave me envelopes to mail to Aunt Peggy. They said that this is what people did when Ava was sick and it helped us.

I hate that Ava is gone. I will always hate it. But I can't help but to see the ways her life had a impact on my living Bugs. The sweet nature and giving hearts were always there. But all three of them have a wisdom and a compassion that is such a blessing to us. I fear that the death of their sister would ruin them. But I think that if we work hard and allow God to move through us, they will be just fine.