Sunday, December 27, 2009

Onions and J-O-Y

Trying to get back in the swing of things is hard. I think about how much more difficult it will become as we absorb the responsibilities of our "usual" life. I am exhausted and have a low threshold for things that bother me. Poor Allan, it's like he is dealing with pregnant me. He was hoping to not have to do that I suppose. I want the broken or the breaking things in our house fixed NOW. If it's annoying me, I want it taken care of. I find I just don't have the extra energy to expend on that "fluff". (Drafty windows and a new roof isn't "fluff"', but kids stuff everywhere, a broken phone, a not functional storm door, and clothes that don't fit right could be considered as such).

The little reserve I have is to go into the ladybugs flitting around the house. They will usually stop for a hug and an 'I miss Ava'. Their regular conversation these days consists of: 'Look at the picture I'm coloring. I'm coloring in the lines. We used to have 5 kids and now we are back to 3. These are yummy mashed potatoes.' Sometimes I can deal with it OK. Today it's like little daggers in my heart.

I always wanted to have four kids. I've given birth to 5 wonderful little bugs, but I so wish that I had the opportunity to raise them all. When we found out we were expecting Ava to say we were surprised would be an understatement. We were thrown for a loop thinking that our family was complete. I went through a lot of processing to come to terms with having another one right now. When I was younger I wanted 4, when I came to terms with the surprise, I still wanted 4. I really think that we would have done a great job that the craziness of 4 would provide. I hate that I will never know now.

It's those thoughts and feelings that are piercing and raw. Every time I peel a layer of that onion my eyes sting and burn as I get closer to the heart of the matter. I can't look at the whole thing all at once. I think I'd blow a gasket. I keep saying that I can't do it anymore and how much more can I take. Yet here I sit, still doing what I feared the most and still taking it. Sometimes way better than others, none the less, taking it.

Allan and I were noticing that this time around we feel way more present in life than we did when Eric died. That is a blessing. We have to be. We have three active, wounded, and still happy ladies that we have to care for and nurture.

My soul is nurtured by God. I need someone to nurture my physical being. My body is sore, my mind is dull and my heart is so very broken. It is amazing to me how a simple (tongue in cheek) task, like taking 3 kids to church, and eating lunch can take all I have out of me.

I find that I am trying to rush each day to get to the next. The next holds the same loneliness and sorrow, but as the song says, "His joy comes in the morning". I keep looking for the glimmers of that joy so I can hold on and get to the next step. Sometimes it's so very intentional. We have a huge JOY sign in red on our front lawn. In the center of the "O" is Mary, Joseph and Jesus in white. Whenever I leave or come home it's there, in my face. J-O-Y and why we can have it. Sometimes it has to be blatant to be effective.

4 comments:

  1. Your writings are so beautiful. I sincerely think you should turn your blog into a book. I was just telling your brother this morning that I don't know you but I have read your blog daily and it has touched my heart. My prayer is that you never lose your strong faith and that you live in the peace that some day you will be with Eric and Ava again in heaven. What a JOY that will be!
    Barb in Michigan

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  2. I second Barb in Michigan- when the time comes, a book would be a great idea. Hang onto the joy (even if its socking a snoring Allan ;) ) and know that you are being prayed for. Let us know how we can help. Thanks for the hugs at church today. love you guys!

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  3. Amy,
    Lori told me about your blog and about Ava. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It seemed ages ago that Zak and I would visit you, Allan and Eric at AI. I can't even believe you have endured such loss again.. Keep pressing on friend - I am impressed by your faith and strenght. We love and miss you and will be praying. Your 'bugs' are beautiful.
    In Him,
    Lauren (and Zak)

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