Incredulous

Six years ago I was making Easter candy in the kitchen humming and singing. I was content and happy. Eric had only been gone for nearly 4 months and I just had my second miscarriage. But there I was in our town house, content in God and our lives.

Six years ago I sat at my in laws table, fairly certain that I had a big secret, trying not to get my hopes up. I wasn't scared. I was full of hope and anticipation. That year I got a flower for Easter. Part of it's name was "Emily". I told Allan on the way home that if in fact I was pregnant and it was a girl, that I thought it was neat that the flower name was a girl name. (He looked at me like ok, but I'm not getting any hopes up).

I waited a week to take the test. Eight weeks later, we found out that there were two. Seven weeks after that we found out that there were two girls, and they would probably look a lot alike.

I was at peace and I KNEW that they were OK. Of course I had my moments, but the over riding feeling was hope, anticipation and excitement. My dreams were to finally come true. I felt so loved and blessed by God.

This Easter I sat at my in-laws table in the same place. I got flowers. I have no big secret. I was hit by a ton of bricks in realizing that I have to miss 2 babies now and my seemingly full table is glaringly empty. For the first time I was faced with the daunting task of missing Ava and Eric at the same time. I've been separating it. Dealing with the loss of both them is daunting and not pretty.

In Ecclesiastes there is a lot of talk about everything being meaningless under the sun. How we work and toil during our days under the sun and when we die we die. There is nothing else and it's meaningless. The there is talk about how we can honor God when things are great and we are enjoying His creation. So why would we not respect and honor Him when things aren't going our way. The writer talks about how we all are going to die. All we do is meaningless.

I really should be mad that God took two of my children from me at 4 months old. I should feel that our lives are meaningless. I should wonder how God could do this to me, my husband and my sweet bugs. Don't get me wrong I am and can be angry. I am angry that I have this path to walk. I am angry that our daughters feel this intense pain and loss at such a young age. I am so sad that I couldn't buy yellow Easter grass this year and put it in another basket. ( Each kid gets her favorite color grass in her basket. Emmy-pink, Alexa-green, Elaina- purple and the bugs decided that Ava's favorite color would be yellow since no one picked it yet.)

My days under the sun are numbered, my toil may go unnoticed, but it is not meaningless. These passages in the Bible were written before Christ. I can see in that book the loyalty to God but an emptiness in living. There was no Jesus.

Here's the thing, what happened in our family really really sucks. It hurts, stings and burns. God could have stopped it all, He could have changed the outcome. He was and is totally capable of doing so. But for some reason He needed Eric and Ava here for a brief period of time for whatever purpose He has for them, their lives and our little family. And I am forced to wonder where I get the audacity to think that He should have spared my children, living and dead, and Allan and myself from our pain.

See, God sacrificed his own SON. He allowed Jesus to be murdered and watched Him suffer. Why? Because it was to fulfill His Divine plan. It was so that we could live our days under the sun and have them not be meaningless.

So this Easter, I don't have the hope of new life growing inside me. I don't have my precious Eric and Ava. But I do have hope and joy in our future due to the promise of the cross.