Tulips

Where did the week go? I can honestly tell you I know I was busy and we had lots going on, but I couldn't tell you what it was.

That is where I find myself these days. I have no concept of time. I am now starting to be able to look ahead further than lunch. Waking up from the shock of grief is like watching the tulips rise from their winter slumber. They fight and push through the soil and there is a tiny green leaf. The rains come, the leaf grows bigger, and more make their debut. The weather warms, the leaves continue on their mission. Suddenly the leaves are fully out and are a deep green. Tucked way down in the center is a bud beginning to unfurl.

I know that one day I will look at the flower bed and there they will be in all their beauty. Tulips basking in the sun and adding beauty to an otherwise bland landscape.

I know that I am not close to blooming, but my leaves are definitely beginning to grow and thrive. This is the first time in awhile that I have felt not all consumed. I seem to have more energy right now to get things done and get back to the business of living.

I find myself looking forward to the Spring and Summer traditions the Bugs and I have. But it's not without the now familiar and poignant twinge I carry with me. This year we can accomplish our traditions in a far less complicated fashion. While I am happy to enjoy how much easier the bugs are becoming, I feel sad that I get to do that.

I'm pushing stretching and reaching to bask in that sun, getting through the rocky soil is the darkest and exhausting part. I can be renewed when I grow weary. I simply ask God to help me.

I am so grateful that He is giving our family the gift of enjoying what we have and each other. I couldn't bear this walk if that were wiped away.

I know that now we are on an upswing and around the corner will be a downward trend. But the slope is positive and progressing. So I've learned to take it as it comes and know, like a stage of a child's life it's not forever. Although it does seem that it is. Especially since last week feels like last year. December 18th seems like an eternity ago, yet paradoxically rolled together with crisp emotion.

On the way home from school the other day Emily said that she wished that she could invite Ava to her Birthday party (apparently the precursor is that she and Alexa are getting tired of being five). Elaina chimes in saying, "Well, maybe we could get she back." Alexa told Elaina , "No Lain we can never get her back."

Laina felt embarrassed and tried to pass it off as a joke. The big bugs tried to squash the little bug. I then said that it's OK for Lain to say that she wants to get Ava back. We all do wish that could be true. Then the light turned and we were talking about what we would have for lunch.

It's not enough to crush the progress, but it may slow things down in the moment. However we are all learning to have the moment and move through it, not to let it trip us up for the whole day. These flowers are fertilized with lots of water, prayer are grace. Once day we will bloom fully in the sun and radiate how God intends for us to. Our petals will have a blemish, but I won't try it mask it or wipe it away, I think it's a part of our charm.