Photos

If you were to look up the word "procrastinate" in the dictionary you would see a picture of my brother. However, for the secondary definition you would find my photo. So in Amy style I was looking for a CD of pictures of Eric last night as someone needed them by today at the latest.

As I stacked and stretched over boxes still packed from things "before Amy" used to do, I found myself diving into boxes of neatly organized and labeled photos. (This must have been "before Amy" as well). The unsuspecting me unearthed photos of those I've loved and have died. A long string of people: Eric Hearn, for whom our son was named, Laura Sitkberg who hasn't even been gone a week, Frances McMillan-my grandmother, Rex McMillan-my grandfather who was celebrating 2 years in Heaven yesterday, Elizabeth Crossan-a sweet young friend, and of course Eric and Ava. I also had the distinct honor of locating their death certificates and having to paw through the memory box.

I never found the CD. I did get smacked in the face with grief.

Right there since my freshman year of college was a string of people who have gone before me. There are a few more in the list, but I did not come across any photos last night. All of these people have been influential in my life, teaching me about life, death and God. As I wake this morning (at 4:30 and the 5:00 thanks to the sleepless bugs last night) I realize that they all left an indelible print on my soul. Each of them called to an earthly purpose- completed the journey. Three in the so called natural order of things, 4 way too soon by our standards.

Here's the thing. Last night was tough. I felt such a hollow pain. Every page of my life is imprinted with love and loss. Most I could rationalize, but I found myself wondering why did I have to have children at all as they come with such a high cost. One you never realize until they are no longer available for you to hold, smell, hear.

On the flip side, what is life here worth if you don't have relationships that are at a high cost? Really all that means is that you unabashedly love without worrying about the level of grief you feel when that person is gone. It will happen whether you go first or are here one left to sort out the emotion. It will happen.

This morning I look back on how I felt last night, my grief was hollow, but not dark. There are certainly times when it is. It's not fun and not remotely pretty and it's necessary. That wasn't last night. The color was white. It was fresh, like Spring. All these wonderful people whose pictures I saw last night are in Heaven, reveling together in the presence of God. I am amazed at how each one has life eternal. In the moment I felt deep pain of all that I, personally, have lost. This morning, of course I'm sad, but as I remember these people and the others who have gone before me, I have hope and a heart of gratefulness.

God orchestrated my life in such a way that I would have the privilege of knowing, learning from and loving these people. Through them I was taught more about God. More about Faith. More about Wisdom. More about Love. So I can learn to fully love and express myself to those to whom I am inextricably intertwined. To those who God has entrusted to me and those whom I walk through this life with. These are the people I can love and live with at the risk of a high cost, once they are gone. But why would I hide? Because the pain is too great when they die? If I did that how would my life be full?