Working through

We have a way of living around here that is slowly settling into normal. I am beginning to learn of when to anticipate the emotional hiccups. Yet I am figuring out the pattern in the middle of it not before it. Of course by the time I wise up enough to be prepared, things will change. The bugs always surprise me with how grown up their feelings are. How deep their pain is.

I am finding myself frustrated with my grey cloud. I remember when Ava was with us that I couldn't bear the thought of feeling like this again. Yet here I am, functioning. Sometimes better then others, but trying to put one foot in front of the other nonetheless. It's a testimony of God's faithfulness and that He's got our backs.

This morning I was in Elaina's room changing her pull-up- yup you heard me Miss Stubborn Potty Trainer is on hold. We tried to reverse psychology her. As Allan said she reversed reversed us and is always one step ahead. She's half trained, but we told her that we are done since she is too little and clearly not ready for underpants.

OK, I digress, as per usual. I was changing the little bug. I realized that I have these little thoughts that creep in and pop out of my mind. The bugs are doing ok in the moment and I am too, but then a little twinge pops into my brain. I am happy about how well Elaina can dress herself and how we can more easily get up and go. Then bam, I think about how complicated my like should be and how I wish I were tethered to a nap schedule.

We are getting family pictures taken next week. We tried to schedule it when Ava was with us. When we got it scheduled in the fall, I had a pit of my stomach feeling that we wouldn't be able to get them done. Ava was hospitalized 2 days before we were going to have the photo shoot.

Since Eric died I have never been a big fan of a family picture or a group shot. It's never complete and while I can appreciate what I see, I can't help but notice the emptiness. My family is never going to be whole on this earth.

Yet we need a picture. We are who we are and we need to celebrate our family. So I took the plunge. We were chatting about it and Emily said, "Mommy, but Ava was supposed to be in the picture." Great. I never seem to think about how they are going to see the hole now too.

At the same time, we all go about our business (whether it's in a Pull-up or not I suppose). We play, clean, cook, bake, make books, read books, laugh and have fun. I breath a sigh of relief, we can be normal too. Then someone gets upset and cries for Ava. Elaina insists that Ava can and will come back. ( I think learning about the Resurrection of Christ threw her off) . Alexa plays Mommy to her children who are sick and have to go to the Hospital. It's part of the day and our play. Sometimes I let it roll off and sometimes it just makes me sad. Sometimes it makes me angry. They are working it out in the way they know how and I am grateful that they have an avenue for that. The bottom line is it is what it is. Press on we shall.

I really long for a time when I can post that I feel unabashed Joy on Facebook. I feel joy but it's dampened. When I laugh it feels great, and it is such a surprise. Then I'm reminded how I don't do that near enough. To relearn how to live, you have to go through the motions and eventually it all will synchronize. I just wish I could skip to the happy. Of course then you skip all the other lessons tucked within and you miss out on how God holds you together.