Faces

So Emily was having a hard time off and on today that culminated in on. She just broke down while making a book. This is not like her, really. She bottles it all up until her defenses are down and then look out.

I looked at her little face all twisted and incredibly sad at dinner. I felt sucker punched. I realized that I haven't seen that look since Disney. Prior to Disney that was the face I the majority of the day. Every day for a month, I saw my grief stricken babies and I don't think I realized how sad they looked for being caught up in my own grief. To see that face tonight was more heartbreaking. I don't want to go back to nearly 4 months ago. I want to move forward and get away from that intense full on pain.

Only God and time will do that. I just can't feel like back peddling. As much as I hate to see that grief on the face of my sweet bug, I know they hate to see it on Mommy and Daddy as well.

As much as that was and is hard to see, manage and deal with. I find that I am grateful for the fact that while it pops out, we are not in it constantly. I can see that we have made progress. So that is good.

What I also realized is how important the mission of the Joy-Hope Foundation is. Those long faces were chipped and cracked into smiles and twinkling eyes in Disney. Our family could be free to be where we were and have fun. To be distracted and to step out of ourselves.

After Eric died a generous family greatly helped us to go away. We went to St Maarten. When we came home as I would feel so incredibly sad I could picture pristine sand and blue green water. It just helped to see the beauty in the world. To be out in it. To be anonymous. It was refreshing.

I am grateful that two times now we were able to bookmark the grief and have something fabulous to think about.