First Day of Normal?

I was all geared up to try and get a regular routine going today as Allan was going back to work. Then I had a dentist appointment. My parents came over to see the bugs (at bugs request). Allan didn't make it very far in the work day. He got pretty sick and has been in bed or on the couch all day. I'm worried about him being so sick, but I know he will be ok.

This is throwing Elaina off though. Tonight there were lots of questions about Ava again. She was talking about her boo boo that she got on her knees in Disney. She was talking about God healing them. I told her He was. She looked at me and said, "Now?". I told her yes, He was working on it. She said, "God helped Ava too?" I said yes. Then with a huge twinkle in her eye she said, "Her is coming back to us?" I had to tell her no, Ava is never coming back. She was deflated, but not for long. Apparently Emmy had an interesting animal on her jammies.

When I was tucking her in , she did her usual questions about Ava in Heaven. Tonight she juxtaposed her questions with Daddy's sick. I told her that Ava's body was broken and asked her what kind of sick Ava was. She said, "Pink". I told her that Ava's WHOLE body didn't work. Daddy is sick but he will get better. She wanted to know why we are here/ I told her that God has other plans for us and it's not time for us to die. She said, "Ava has a new body." I said yes, but our bodies are ok. Mommy's body, Daddy's body, Elaina's body they still work. "My body still works." Yes.

Alexa asked me today who would take care of them if we had to die. Emmy promptly shushed her. I told them that we would do everything we could to stay with them and that we don't want to leave them. But we would have a plan for them. I told them that I can't know what God's plan is, but I know that they will be ok. I told them that when I was their age I used to wonder what would happen to me if my Mommy and Daddy died. I knew that they had a plan for me and that I would be ok. I know that they would too. Emmy seemed to feel better about me telling her that I would do everything I could to stay with her, but then told me,"I just don't want to talk about that though." I told her that if she ever did, she can ask me. But she can't keep Alexa from talking about hard stuff.

Sometimes I don't want to teach them how to sort out their own feelings, especially since I need time to sort out my own. I wish I could have time to do what I need to do. It's harder trying to keep it together. Sometimes I just want to shut down and hide. Others I just want to hold my baby. Smell her. See her little face and squeeze her finger. I get so sad thinking about how sick she really was. I wish that wasn't her story. I wish it wasn't Emily's story. Alexa's story. Elaina's story. I wish it wasn't my story or Allan's story.

I was realizing that while another child never fills the void of the deceased child. A healthy baby just helps. I am so sad that I can't have any more children. I am glad that the stress of wondering if my baby would live. But it would be so nice to have one more healthy baby. I just wish that would happen, but it can't.

So I wonder what could possibly help? What does God have in store for us? How will He help us ease our pain? Disney was great. It's given the girls a chance to deal with their thoughts while they encrypt new memories. But while we had a break, the grief, always with us, is hitting hard as we try to run the house, care for the kids, accomplish daily activities.