Free Fallin'?

What a whirlwind week. There were so many good things wrapped inside it. A week ago we celebrated my birthday, then on Wed. Allan and I celebrated our 9th anniversary and of course Sunday was Father's Day. Friday marked 6 months since Ava died.

I have to tell you it's been really really really hard for me lately. I am hoping all the events of last week are the reason for the set backs. When you are sad and you have to face a day where you are expected to be happy the opposite happens. The fact that you are not in face happy is highlighted and in bold. But you have to try, you have kids. So you press on through the day, for them and hopefully for you too.

All that emotion has to go somewhere. It has to get out. So you crash. As you crash you think, OK maybe this will help so I can get out of the funk. Nope. Still need to crash. When you are at the end of your rope you wonder if everyone stopped praying for you. Where did all that lovely support and help go? You feel abandoned.

You get a text. You go shopping with some friends after the kids are in bed. You are no longer in free fall.

You see people at work. You check facebook. You hear that there are people out there praying and you have been relentlessly on their minds lately. You needed that.

Some days, weeks you need to crash. You NEED to fall apart. It's how you get rid of the cobwebs and keep going. Even when I wonder where everyone went. Where God went. I know that I need to feel what I'm feeling. It just hurts to do it. It aches so much. But I am not doing it alone. I know that God will never abandon me, no matter how mad or sad I get. He's right there. Allowing me to feel so that I can live and feel as the clouds dissipate.

I'm watching these same things happen with the bugs and Allan too. All 5 of us have hit a rough patch. We miss Ava. I am starting to realize that I miss 2 kids. Sometimes it's too much for me to handle and take. It's coming in dribs and drabs. As much as I can handle.

So if you wouldn't mind. We have much happening around here and we are needing a little extra prayer to stay strong and convicted in what God wants us to do. I am currently wanting to run, hide and play ostrich. I want it all to go away. I know that's not what we are called to do. But I am tired (exhausted actually) and frustrated with myself and my ability to Mommy and Wife and Amy. Truth? I am mad that I am in this situation and not patient with the process.

More later. I think I will go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight.