Routine

I made our weekly calendar out last night, something I haven't done much since November. I never knew what was next. It's full of our regular routine. Alexa noticed it first thing this morning. The days have School, Mommy Work and Daddy Work. The calendar is normal, but I feel anything but.

I realized that half the school year is over and I don't have a routine. I tried to go back to work after Ava was born, but then she was hospitalized. I've lost 5 months, and seemingly oh so much more. I had all these grandiose plans of what life would be like when bigger bugs went to school and Lain and I would have to fend for ourselves. I then found out I was pregnant and those thoughts changed. So now I guess we are somewhere in between. Every time I hear "you have your hands full" I politely nod. I do. We still have the business of our lives, but my hands are far from "full".

Whenever I feel overwhelmed by the bugs, I feel a twinge. Like, is this still overwhelming? It was way harder in the fall. Ava never really got off of square one, nor did I it seems. Yet here were are. Allan is officially back to work. I start tomorrow night. Those 5 months are blurry and yet we are right into the thick of it.

It's hard to think that it will be fine since I don't feel capable of meeting the demands to those requiring my professional assistance. I will have to handle it the way I did after Eric died, I suppose. I will just keep trying. I will pray and someday I may feel competent. I just wish I could make bracelets and build up the Foundation and Mommy those I still have.