Bracelets and Revelations

I took the plunge and set up an Etsy shop for our prayer bracelets. I am really excited to be able to share these with you. Making them brings me joy. I hope to be able to make some for someone else in need. If you would like to check it out please go to http://www.etsy.com/shop/4ladybugbracelets.

Today I had a lot of time to think about many thoughts. Some were not so pretty and some were not so focused on the ugliness of my humanity.

First of all I watched our surviving ladybugs. Today they played, fought and created elaborate games with a cast of new characters as gratis Disney. As I watched them I found myself amazed at how much they have changed while I've been checked out so to speak. I can't say that I am "checked in" yet, but I am trying to be present.

I am so proud of those little ladybugs. They adore each other. They grasp so much and yet they fight and cry about the most mundane of things. Really that's OK. It's what they should be doing. In the midst of our not so normal life, they are acting normally.

Specifically Elaina was cracking me up today. She seems to have exploded developmentally. Her speech has always been clear and top notch, but today I noticed her sentence structure is even more complete that it was the other day. I love how you can joke with her and make and off the cuff remark and she will have a quick and often witty retort.

*BIG ELAINA NEWS* Today she told me that she wants to potty train. She knows that she's almost out of diapers and Disney is over so we have been gearing up for it. I need her to be willing. Potty training twins who were leery and caring for a 3 month old was really not fun by any stretch of the imagination. However if Lain is not on board, potty training a head strong nearly 3 year old while Mommy is grieving will blow that out of the water.

While I am THRILLED at the prospect of saving myself 40 bucks a box of diapers, I am sad that I am rapidly moving out of the baby department. Before we became pregnant with Ava I noticed that things around her were becoming easier in some regard. Then they got harder the more pregnant and tired I became. Then Ava was born and they became complicated. As her life progressed the more complicated things around here became.

Now we have these 3 awesome ladybugs and I seem to have missed a year with them. So as we try and get back to our regular programming, I am noticing that I have no more babies. Baby items are going away. All the paraphernalia and now soon there will be no more diapers. Now listen, I've been changing diapers for 6 years so I'm not too heartbroken to be done with that. It's just that it wasn't my choice to end that NOW.

Today was an opportunity to try and sort out some thoughts. I realized that I know how I feel about death and where I stand with God in all of it. I know realized how deeply sad I really am and how I just don't know what to do with it. I'm not confused about Ava's death. I'm amazed by her life. The sorrow does not have language. That's tough.

I also realized that I have learned so much about how to support others in the middle of chaos. So many of you have come forward to support us in ways too many to enumerate. I need to take heed and step outside of my routine and do the same for another as the opportunity presents itself. I think I fall short in that department. I am in awe of our support and so incredibly blessed by you all. It truly is one of the reasons that I, personally, can keep on. Through all of you God has worked in our lives in amazing and wonderful ways. Thank you.