Birthday's

So much in such a short time. We were on vacation last week. No Internet. No TV. It was nice. Allan and I would joke that we had nothing to talk about.

A week ago on the 13th we observed what would have been Ava's first birthday. We decided to get yellow balloons in her honor. I think it will be a tradition. It was a really hard day. A little harder than I imagined it would have been. You cry, you move on. You cry again, you keep going.

On the 14th we left for vacation. The bugs wanted to see Ava and Eric's grave for their birthdays. We decided we would go when Daddy could come too. It's not something I wanted to do, but I told Emily that I would go if she needed to go and I understand that. I told her that Daddy and I practiced going to Eric's grave while the matching bugs were babies so that we would be ready for when they wanted to go. She hugged me.

So Saturday was the day. In the furry of packing and forgetting stuff we made our way to the cemetery. This was one visit I've been dreading since Ava was in the hospital. To see the marker for your child and then to have to imagine a second marker with a second child next to it haunted me. To have to see it tormented me. Of course we couldn't find it right away. Then when we did I was shocked to see that the markers were vertically aligned, not horizontally. For some dumb reason, that made me feel better. As it turned out it wasn't as horrific as I thought.

Monday the 16th would have been Eric's 7th Birthday. What is so special about him (there are many many things actually) is that he made my dreams come true. He made me a Mommy. I love that that distinction is his and his alone. For his Birthday I usually like to take the girls on a fun adventure nothing too fancy, just different. This year we were on vacation so we took advantage of the day and rode a Steam train to a Riverboat and back again. It was nice. I bought an ornament for the Christmas tree.

What I thought about a lot on vacation was that as a parent you love to talk about how your children came into your lives. The First birthday is huge for remembering and encoding that amazing moment in your life when you became a parent to your child. When your child is no longer with you for that birthday or any others you feel like you can't recognize the day. You can't talk about the birth story. You can't remember all the joy and expectations. It's hard for the family to do, but it just makes those who listen uncomfortable.

I have so many amazing memories associated with the births of all my babies. I only have three that I feel comfortable telling about. But there were two others who I will always know about and who changed my life, profoundly. I don't want their stories to be taboo.

It's so strange. We treasure the memories of those who die in the "right order". We get together after an internment to "remember". But when it's not in the "right order" and your child dies first. The topic becomes trepidatious and sometimes taboo. But we love our kids, living or not, and we want to remember too. I think that it's harder to hide behind what we perceive what society dictates as "acceptable". It just makes the bereaved feel more excluded. I hope that through Ava and Eric we will feel more comfortable with our selves and with our emotions following "premature" death. If we remove the "supposed to's" and the "shouldn't have beens" then we can see that death stinks, but it happens to us all.