August

I was looking at some pictures of Ava right after she was born. I couldn't help but think about how perfect she was and yet so horribly broken. Although we thought she was funny looking after birth, she didn't look terminal.

This week the bugs flit off to Vacation Bible School. This is Lain's first year of being able to go. She is beside herself. I was listing all the things she will do, but I started by saying, "Are you going to...." She looked at me and said, "I don't know, am I?" I told her yes they do do all those things at VBS. Her eyes sparkled. Then Emmy told her that snack is "not just, like goldfish...but it is really cool." I told her that she is going to be able to sing with her class for the Mommy's and Daddy's on Thursday night. She could hardly contain herself.

Last year for VBS I kept thinking that if I made it through that week I would be home free. All of our babies were early and I was getting close to the danger zone. But I wanted the bugs to go, so I kept thinking that once we cleared the week, we would be ready. We made it through the week last year and Ava came the next Thursday. It was my last year for just Mommy and Laina time. I was bummed about that, but comforted by the fact that I'd have an opportunity to have alone time with Ava. Something I knew would be next to impossible to come by.

So here we are a year later. In all honesty I was kind of hoping Lain wouldn't potty train until after VBS so I wouldn't have to let her go. I remember sending Emmy and Lexa when they were three and seeing how big they got that week. So this year, I'm gonna have a different week than I thought I would last year. I have to be ready for Lain to grow more and expand her horizons. I have to be ready for not having alone time with Ava.

I'm not ready for either really. This week marks the beginning of what will be a tough time for us. It's when the memories of when Ava and Eric were with us are the most vivid. Being in that time of year really does a lot to jar the memory. This is honestly what I've been dreading and here it is and I can't stop it.

Today in church I was thinking that I should try and turn this into a blessing that I can have all these memories flood back. I know that it is that way about Eric now. Like a breath of fresh air when I remember something I've either forgotten about or forgotten that I remembered. But in a 4 month life span those are few and far between.

The switch will flip, and the memories of Ava, while always cherished, are not going to come without a price. Sometimes I think I forget that she was real. I get so wound up in hearing her name and thinking about her at an arms length I forget HER. Then something jars my hardened mind. And bam there she is in it and she was real. I wonder if it's like that for the bugs too. I guess it's a way for us to keep moving on.

Ava's birthday is next week, Eric's three days later. I wonder how much I should bring that to mind for the bugs or if we should see where they take us.