After Eric died I felt like I couldn't talk about my experiences being pregnant, having a c-section, breast feeding, and diaper changing adventures. If I talked about it then I would always be faced with the uncomfortable follow up questions which inevitably lead to "my son died". Then there was the look of shock, horror, embarrassment which would lead me to have to try and make that person feel better about my circumstances.
After waiting my whole life to be a Mom, I was no longer a part of that club, but a new not so wanted one. The "Mommies without a Mission" club. Membership is free, but you pay a dear price to get in.
Then, I became pregnant, and miscarried. THEN I became pregnant. Ten and a half months later our sweet Emily and Alexa were born. I WAS A PART OF THE CLUB!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was great I could talk about all the things I wanted to and only I would know of whom I was speaking. Let me be clear, I never really "hide" Eric. It was more like I had to put a lot of thought into how far do I want to take this, how do I approach this, how do I answer this question.....It's tiring. And yes, it still happens today. It probably will for the rest of my life.
So now I have 3 beautiful buggie babes. LOTS of experience with breast feeding, diaper changing, and yes ever c-sections (4). But I struggle with not being a part of a new "club". I am most definitely a "Mom with a Mission" (although I admit that I might be a bit aimless from time to time). However, I am not in that "Mommy of 4" club that I seem to have always wanted to be in since Junior High. (Back then my children's names would have been: Justin David, Branden Michael, Katelyn Marie, and Megan Patricia.) I'm trying to be OK with that. I'm different now. I'm more experienced, have a deeper faith and more mature. I try to tell myself that I have a good size family. I do. I really do. But I struggle with the need to have "credit" for all of the children that I gave birth to. When I hear Moms say "I have 4 kids, 5 kids etc" with a sense of pride that is sprinkled with the craziness that quickly ensues I naturally get a twinge in my heart. Moms who have lost know all too well that twinge.
To take "credit" for my 5 babes means that I have to make someone uncomfortable. Then I have to try to show them that I am OK with the life God has blessed me with. Naturally then they should be too. Here's the deal. I did nurse 5 babies. I did have 4 c-sections. I did have a surprise pregnancy. I did have 2 miscarriages. I have to deal with death. I did have a set of twins. I did change a baby boy's diaper and gotten peed on. I did have 4 kids under five at the same time. It may not be in the way that I dreamed of at 12, but God gave all of those gifts to ME. Little ole' ME. I am immeasurably blessed.
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Amy, I don't know if you remember me, but I used to be friends w/ Kim Kierstead. I have been reading your blog since before Ava's death... you are so well-spoken... so heartfelt... and this blog really spoke to me. Like Paul, to be happy in ALL circumstances. You are really handling he life God gave you with grace. I think your witness is far-reaching.
ReplyDeleteWith us, it's always strangers who say, seeing me with three boys in tow, that I need to try for that girl. My oldest likes to tell them, "we had a sister but she died" which is a conversation stopper for sure. However, about half the time people tell me of their own loss or a close friend or relative's loss. And what do you say to the casual stranger when you are out with just one in tow when they ask you if you have any others? The best response I've seen is that you have three here and two in heaven.
ReplyDeleteI guess what I'm saying is that it's ok to speak of your beautiful babies in heaven. They are a fact and a facet of your life. And loss of some type is a fact of everyone's life and the more we talk about it, the joy we had with those we lost, the less taboo it will be. Well, that's my take at least. :-)
-Erica
I remember the first time that you and I really spoke at Rebecca's house for a playdate. You told me about Eric, but you did so in such a beautiful way that I felt at ease asking you about your experiences. Although it is not a skill you ever desired, you have a talent for sharing these difficult stories in a way that puts others at ease and invites us in...as if carrying your burdens were not enough, now you have to "put the rest of us at ease." I wish you didn't have to do it, but that conversation has stuck with me. I've always marveled at the graceful way that you have dealt with the loss of Eric and now Ava. I love that you continue to share them with others even though they are not here with us.
ReplyDeleteYou bless me on a regular basis. Really. Hugs, Gina
ReplyDeleteOh Amy it is so hard! The last time I was in for pregnancy blood work the girl asked, "Is this your first?" with big smiles. "No, this is my 6th pregnancy." "You have 5 kids already???" And then the explanations and all the dates have to go down in my new pregnancy book. So awkward, but still part of life. Thankfully those conversations don't happen everywhere and all the time.
ReplyDeleteWe continue to pray for you and your family regularly!
Once again, so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Yes, you ARE a mommy of "5". As blessed as you are by them to be their mommy, what a blessing of unending love you have poured upon each one of them,too. I am convinced that your babies know, and always will know,just how incredibly much their mommy loves them...forever. Take care. love & prayers, Kristen (from Y-tn., OH)
ReplyDeleteAmy - I have never gone through the loss of a child, and I am so very sorry you have, but the comment of "how far do I want to take this" completely summed up feelings I have about loss I've experienced. My sister, who was 2 years older than me, died in 2006. So when a hear a cool 80s song and want to comment on how much my sister liked it or when I get asked how many brothers and sisters I have, I kind of catch myself. Then it gets into verb tense. So I say I have 3 siblings? Have 2 brothers and had a sister? And among friends it's one thing, but do I dare even get close to the line with the families that I encounter at work? Is is unprofessional and a "burden" to others to know I have a sister that died? Then I balance this with wanting to keep thoughts of her alive and around.
ReplyDeleteA friend from church's son is named after her dad, who passed away soon after her son was born. She told me she talks about "Pappy Sam" when she can, like "Do yo know that Pappy Sam loved pancakes, too?" so that he is more real to her kids, and I loved this. It sounds like your kids are really at ease talking (or singing!) about them, which is a testament to you and your husband.
This stuff is just hard. Your bugs are all beautiful, and I continue to pray for you all.