Catching Up

This weekend my girlfriends from college flew in. Aptly timed after a surprisingly difficult and emotional week. There is something so comfortable about being with people who have known you forever. It's easy. We don't see each other very much and we don't talk all the time. But they are the kind of friends where that doesn't seem to matter. We meet each other where we are and off we go. What was unexpected was that I found how nice it was to connect to people who knew me before all this loss. They are the same ones who have seen me through it too. I could look through that tunnel and see even though I am sad. I am still me. I could also be reminded of simpler times and easier days.

One of our friends has a sweet baby girl. It was wonderful to see the bugs pour out all that stored up nurturing on that sweet baby. I think the baby rather enjoyed all the attention as well. They all adore babies and were happy to attend to her needs.

On Sunday I was making bracelets for a fundraiser and the bigger bugs we "helping" me. For a few minutes I felt like everything was normal. It was like a breath of fresh, Spring air.

Managing the emotions of all the family members is and I imagine, will be a constant struggle. Some days we get through nicely. Others there is a lot of turbulence. I know He is there every step of the way, so that is helpful. Honestly, there are some days that I want to not deal with all of the chaos that surrounds me. That doesn't mean I don't love those bugs like crazy. It just wears on me some days.

When Emily and Alexa were babies there were some really tough days. By afternoon I would think that today was a wash and tomorrow is a new day. So instead of fighting against the forces to be reckoned with (ie napless infant twins), I would roll with it and scrap the plan for the day. Once I figured that out I did much better. I am trying to relearn this lesson now.

What is tripping me up is that I can't seem to get my emotions to be on the same "schedule", so to speak, as that of the bugs. Just when I am relishing the feeling of normal, someone inevitably will cry out, sob or whine about Ava. Sometimes we just talk about her. And sometimes we use her death as an excuse to get more attention. It's a tricky balance to try and figure out what the motivation is and how to handle the situation the right way.

Last week I found out for certain that after combing the literature there has never been any other children reported to have the disease and the progression of it like Eric and Ava. That's a mind blower. The hearing loss does not fit any other pictures. Somehow that knowledge comforts me and bother me all at once.

I wonder what God has planned for us. But I never want to peer into the future. I am following where I feel He leads and pass through the doors He opens. This journey is just getting started. It's daunting. Allan and I are committed to follow through even when we don't really feel like it. It's actually a neat way to live. Not really fly by the seat of the pants, since we are following His path. But it has a tendency to feel seat of the pantsish.