Intentional

Things have been busy around here, I'm just not quite sure why. Sometimes I see that I feel busy, but am spinning my wheels and getting nothing done. The weight of our loss is beginning to resister. It has to and it needs to. So that is good, I suppose.

I find that I am more willing to follow God without argument right now. I have no extra energy to think that I can do this on my own. I find if He opens a door, so to speak, I just walk through it, no questions asked. I don't waste time worrying about the 'what ifs and whys". I just proceed. If the proverbial door is closed, I barely notice. It's actually nice. I spend a lot less time analyzing and over thinking. Two things I usually spend too much time on.

The problem is that I know that once I get my feet on the ground a little more I will begin to protest more. Why is it that when we are in a crisis that we see how dependant on God we are. But when things are peachy keen, we trick ourselves into believing that we are in control? I struggled with that after Eric died.

As a grasp and cling to stay in the moment I find that I am focusing on intentional living. The one aspect of my life I am focusing on is to face whatever is holding me back. Am I afraid of a memory? Do I not want to go somewhere or to a function because it's "hard"? Well that's not an excuse. Honestly, living every day is hard right now. the laundry is hard, the grocery store is hard. The kids are hard. Reminders lurk under around and behind and upside down every corner. Why hide from it? How is that living an honest life?

I think about how people are always trying to placate the reality of a painful situation with colloquial phrases. Then there are the phrases that add a twist, catch on like fire and become colloquial. When you are smack dab in the middle of grief. There's no need to sugar coat it. Death stinks and it's hard to deal with. BUT if you don't deal with it you find yourself rolling in a sea of hidden memories and watered down emotions.

I can not choose to live like that. Sometimes I think it would be easier. Then again I would just be trap myself in a life of memories that are "too hard" to face. As time wears on the grow and grow and grow. Then suddenly my cushy safe zone would become a dark and paralyzing closet. Why would I want to go through this world paralyzed my my sorrow and anger?

The world is full of sin and everyone gets some form of a raw deal at some point in life. Maybe we should embrace what we view as an injustice and face it head on. I am trying to. But I have to take it in small chunks. If I bite it off all at one time, that could be detrimental. When I notice that I am back peddling and cowering in a safe little cave I think about what I am trying to accomplish. I ask God to help and I pull myself up by the boot straps and put one foot in front of the other. Some days that all I can do. Some days I just need feel all my sad. Some days I can laugh and have fun. Some days I have to go to the place, do the thing, or see the people that I have somehow attached some strange and usually not so realistic notion to. It's never easy. Not at all. Sometimes I fall apart. However 95% of the time I realize that there is some blessing and something positive and useful that comes from the interaction I would so rather avoid.