Motivation

So so many people have said to me over the past few months, "I wish I had your motivation." I wish I had it sometimes too.

6 months ago I was a depressed, grieving Mommy who had 5 babies and 4 c-sections in a little less than six years time and was in the worst physical shape of my life.

When I found out I was pregnant with Ava I resigned myself to have the post partum body I had. I hadn't even lost all of my Elaina weight yet.

Then the Joy-Hope Foundation decided to hold a 5K.

I decided to run it.

Then I ran 2 more races in the next month.

Then I decided to train past the 3.1 mile distance so that I could actually run an entire 5K distance without having to walk a bit. (Which I blamed on asthma and illness).

Then I decided to push myself to train for a 6.55 mile run in May. It was Nov. and I was up to 4 miles.

Then I found a website about "why do you run". I pictured my fragile, yet super strong babies whose every breath was like a marathon for them. I had a vision of "6.55 for Eric, 6.55 for Ava. Use Your Energy for Those Who Can't." I realized I HAD to run a half marathon. I got chills. I cried.

Then I took 3 weeks off around Christmas- I hurt my ankle, needed new shoes, and was really really sad.

New Year's week arrived, I started to hit the pavement. I got back to where I was. I kept dropping time. I got to 6 miles by the end of January.

I got hurt. I took a week off. I found the "magic" in massage therapy.

I hit the streets again. This week I ran 8.72 miles. I realized when the pain waves over my legs and my body feels weary- this is not even remotely what those babies endured. The build up of lactic acid in their bodies must have hurt. I know it does me.

I wish I could have fed them protein packed jelly beans and packets of gel.

Those sweet babies ran a marathon and burned so many calories by trying to perform daily functions. They completed their races. They earned the ultimate prize.

When I want to quit. When I don't think I can carry on. I think of that. There's my motivation.

Half for Each- That is how I run.

Ready for a Change

We have spring fever around here. The snow is melting, the "biggest snowman ever" is now a scarf, twigs and a blob of snow in our front yard. The ground is too mushy for me to retrieve the scarf. I guess it will sit there for a little while longer.

Suddenly there are all kinds of questions and facts about Spring popping up in our house. "When it's Spring I can ride my bike." "EmilyAlexa, did you know in Spring the flowers come up. AND there are flowers in summer too."

Our art work is now moving focus from people and snow to flowers, green grass and caterpillars. Allan even told me that while I was working this weekend the bugs were in the garage sitting on their bikes. Seriously- that is pathetic.

I honestly don't recall our house ever being so primed for Spring. It doesn't even seem like this Winter has been too horrible. It the same weather patterns you would expect in Winter. We actually haven't had it nearly as bad as last year or as other parts of our country have this year.

I am even chomping at the bit for Spring to come.

For the last 13 months our souls have been in Winter. I think we are all ready to move to the next step. To be refreshed, renewed and encouraged. The last year, with all of the bright highlights, is overcast. I think we are ready to face into the wind and change from "hanging on" to "being alive". I sure hope so. It's tough work to feel bogged down all the time.

The bugs are blooming right now too. That is fun to watch as always.

I know it's February. I know it's still winter and more storms and grey days will come. Each season has tumultuous weather as do the seasons of our souls. To have a break in the monotony is just nice.

Duldrums

We've been trapped in the house, like most of the country. Today's blizzard of a 1/3 of America translated into "Maid of the Mist" like weather at our house. Just wet, no ice. We had plans to go to an indoor play place with a friend since piano was cancelled. We didn't go. I fell asleep on the couch and missed our window of opportunity.

It's weird. I have a cold. It's not bad. Just a cold. But for the last 24 hours I've been devoid of oomph. Yesterday I took 3 naps and today a long one. It's annoying. The misguided kids have cabin fever and are in each other's business left and right.

I am so grateful that Allan got home in time to take them to gymnastics so they could blow off some steam.

You would think that I would cherish a chance at being A-L-O-N-E in my home. I would be crazy not to be. I actually hate it. I get so blue being alone here. I start to think of all the stuff I have to push way down since you never know who will need a drink or when you have to referee computer time.

It seems that when I'm alone all the ugliness of my circumstances come bubbling to the forefront. The anger the jealously the irritation of living in the shadow of grief. I get so mad at myself when I get this way. I wish I could celebrate the joys of others- I do just not so heartfelt as I wish it could be. Instead I look back on our family photos. They are all tainted by the emotions of the time. "This is when I was happy and didn't know that my life would turn upside down". "Here's some babies that turned my life upside down in a great way, but boy do I miss my boy." "Really I have three kids, but there should be a taller one in the corner over there". "Look at how joyful those bugs are when they see their baby sister...."

Then I start to wonder why I can't "have" what I've always wanted and others "get" the vary thing. I wonder why do we get to pay the price? Why do we have to lug around a couple black holes of loss? It's something I just need to work through, I know. It's just that when I think I'm OK with something it's smack in my face again and again and again. When it's that blatant I know that God is trying to tell me something. I just don't know what it is yet. I want to know. It want these feelings to go away. I need to feel peace.

After Eric's death I felt like I was alone in the world. I was the only one with the albatross of grief tight around my neck. I so know that is not true. Now I see that it's more normal than we anticipate to loose a child. I hate that that is so. I really really do. I wish we lived in a world where we were unaffected by grief and the loss of a dream. Then if that were true, would we really be able to see the beauty in front of us the gifts God gives us.

I know God has big plans for us. I know that we will be blown away by His steadfast love and faithfulness for us. Those things I know, but for now I have to shake off the ugliness of my soul and resolve those things that bubble to the surface that right now make me sad.