Duldrums

We've been trapped in the house, like most of the country. Today's blizzard of a 1/3 of America translated into "Maid of the Mist" like weather at our house. Just wet, no ice. We had plans to go to an indoor play place with a friend since piano was cancelled. We didn't go. I fell asleep on the couch and missed our window of opportunity.

It's weird. I have a cold. It's not bad. Just a cold. But for the last 24 hours I've been devoid of oomph. Yesterday I took 3 naps and today a long one. It's annoying. The misguided kids have cabin fever and are in each other's business left and right.

I am so grateful that Allan got home in time to take them to gymnastics so they could blow off some steam.

You would think that I would cherish a chance at being A-L-O-N-E in my home. I would be crazy not to be. I actually hate it. I get so blue being alone here. I start to think of all the stuff I have to push way down since you never know who will need a drink or when you have to referee computer time.

It seems that when I'm alone all the ugliness of my circumstances come bubbling to the forefront. The anger the jealously the irritation of living in the shadow of grief. I get so mad at myself when I get this way. I wish I could celebrate the joys of others- I do just not so heartfelt as I wish it could be. Instead I look back on our family photos. They are all tainted by the emotions of the time. "This is when I was happy and didn't know that my life would turn upside down". "Here's some babies that turned my life upside down in a great way, but boy do I miss my boy." "Really I have three kids, but there should be a taller one in the corner over there". "Look at how joyful those bugs are when they see their baby sister...."

Then I start to wonder why I can't "have" what I've always wanted and others "get" the vary thing. I wonder why do we get to pay the price? Why do we have to lug around a couple black holes of loss? It's something I just need to work through, I know. It's just that when I think I'm OK with something it's smack in my face again and again and again. When it's that blatant I know that God is trying to tell me something. I just don't know what it is yet. I want to know. It want these feelings to go away. I need to feel peace.

After Eric's death I felt like I was alone in the world. I was the only one with the albatross of grief tight around my neck. I so know that is not true. Now I see that it's more normal than we anticipate to loose a child. I hate that that is so. I really really do. I wish we lived in a world where we were unaffected by grief and the loss of a dream. Then if that were true, would we really be able to see the beauty in front of us the gifts God gives us.

I know God has big plans for us. I know that we will be blown away by His steadfast love and faithfulness for us. Those things I know, but for now I have to shake off the ugliness of my soul and resolve those things that bubble to the surface that right now make me sad.