Anniversaries

This week we face two big anniversaries for our family. Wednesday the 16Th marks 7 years since Eric went to Heaven. Not as a tough pill to swallow as the time marches on. Always we will miss that sweet little guy and often wonder "what if" he we still had him with us. But as time progresses, so does our acceptance.

On Saturday December 18Th we will mark Ava's first anniversary in Heaven. This one is a little more poignant. The bugs all remember their sister and have to grieve this one too. I have to say though, I am looking forward to being able to exhale. Living through the first year of loss is just a big held breath. You don't know what grief lurks in the shadows. You sure don't know when the wind will be knocked out of your sails as you try to press through the storm.

Allan often says, and I agree with him, that their birthdays are a lot harder. Those dates would be significant if they were still living with us. The anniversaries of their deaths, would just be dates on the calendar. Days we would be pushing through so we could get to Christmas. Part of me, of course, would like to bury my head and skip the whole anniversary thing. But the other part knows that we have to face the reality of what happened on those days. So digging deep for strength, I find myself allowing myself to remember those final days. Why bury it? It is the story of our family. It is what happened. Gut wrenching and hard, but it is what it is.

What it is, has component of beauty and grace. These two dates mark the end of suffering and pain for my brave babes. They were ushered into the glory of the Lord and completely healed. I often here about how someone "lost the battle" with whatever disease plagues them. For those who love the Lord, it's not about loosing. It's about completing the journey. I don't see death as a punishment, but as the next step in God's plan for us. I am sure glad that I am able to think this way. Otherwise I'm pretty sure that my life would wholly be unbearable. As opposed to those days where I feel can't go on any more. When I feel closed off from society and God's embrace. Those days when you feel so different that know one can possibly understand you or where you come from. Those days where I have no energy to walk another step further.

During those times I just can't press on. So I crumble. I cry and I lash out. You know what happens next? A phone call. A letter. A Facebook message. A voice from God Himself or His voice through those who are feeling His tug. His nudge to pray and reach out. I am not alone, and I am not out of His embrace. I then can get up, and keep pressing forward in the knowledge that our family is on this path as a result of His Divine Plan. So we can have Joy. We can Have Hope. And we will breathe again.

To Honor Eric and Ava this week, the Joy-Hope Foundation is striving to raise $500 for each month that we were blessed to have them in our care. If you would like to contribute please check out our website www.joyhopefoundation.com to donate.