There's been a steady stream of unsavory news from many friends lately. Some is a big deal, some could become a big deal, some a big deal in the moment, but will end up a blip on the screen.
When I was telling the Bugs about the latest friends who are in need of prayer, Emily pipes up and says, "What is happening to our friends?" I was thinking the same thing!
Yesterday a Facebook friend posted that she was "feeling blue". Two weeks ago I was talking with someone at our church and found out that his wife is a cancer survivor. Allan and I noticed some years back that he was going with some "Surfer Hair" and then suddenly it was cut. We assumed he got a new job. Nope. Locks of Love for his love.
I am being made aware right now that we will all hallowed hall at some point in time. Depending on where I am in my walk will greatly impact my ability to reach out and listen. The people we encounter day in day out are faceless strangers, an acquaintance, a good friend, even family. But as we rub shoulders and get annoyed for the invasion of our personal space do we really KNOW what is going on in their lives?
I sometimes feel guilty that seemingly the whole world rallied around our family in our time of crisis, yet I can't seem to get it together enough to rally and support all those who are in need.
Some days, with laundry piled up and a pantry seemingly bare it's hard to dig into my hollow emotions and empathize, support, love those around me. Instead, I hold the bad news at arms length- "Whew, I don't really know them. Now I don't have to rally." "Wow that stinks, well it's their walk now."
See if I let their crisis into my soul, into my heart, I am afraid that I will fall apart. I live in a delicately balanced state of comfort, peace, emotion. Of course it's OK to be grateful that a particular crisis is not ours to walk. I don't know too many people who would be jumping up and down with arms raised to walk our walk. I think that is OK to feel that way. What is not OK is to brush it off and not follow up in someway. Even through the darkest times, I know that I care. I may not be able to be there in a way I usually would. But I will pray. But I will still stay an arms length away.
I feel like I am waking up to the world around me now. I am capable of looking outside our little world we are desperately trying to rebuild and redefine. As I take my baby steps back out into society I have to hunker down and be ready for all the crappy situations that happen to people to hit me like a ton of bricks. I have to remember that while it is that person's walk and experience but I can support, love, pray and be there for that person.
I can not believe how broken we all are. How we struggle to hang on to what is good and what we think is right. I can not believe how much God loves me and how as I move through each day that He gives me He protects me. I am amazed at the protection He provides for all of us. Just because the situation may not be ideal, the circumstances may even be horrific, but yet there He is loving and protecting us. That is the Good that I am going to hang on to. The Good that comes from the the One who protects and loves me no matter what I do or don't do.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Coming Home
What a whirlwind! We sailed right through April into June. Allan was given a month off from work so he could work on the Joy-Hope Foundation. I am so proud of all he accomplished during that month. Today is his first day back and I am missing having him around. I'm back to that sense of feeling lost. I realized how much easier it is to live my life with him in the house.
I suppose we will all adjust to being back in the real world, so to speak. But I'm just saying that to have him around there are 2 of us to field all the Ava issues that crop up. I find that it's easier for me to not take on their emotions when Allan's here with me.
We also had the opportunity to travel during the first week of June. Let me tell you Alabama is really really far away from Delaware. The Bugs did so great in the car though. It is pretty funny that whenever we get in the car there are questions of "how long will this take?" "is this as far as Aunt Debbie's house?". It seems nobody trusts us anymore. :-)
The hardest thing about going away is the coming home. We all feel free and unencumbered then back to reality. I know that this is true for all who return from vacation. The twist I am figuring out is that I don't like to come home. There are too many "reminders" lurking in every corner. I keep thinking that maybe if I paint or redecorate it will help. Then I wonder if that is the right answer.
After Eric died we were able to move into this house. We needed a bigger place since our exersaucers did not really fit in our townhouse. I recall the feeling of being able to breathe again. It felt fresh and new. A fresh start. Not running away, mind you, but fresh. A move is not feasible now. I'm OK with that. I just wish I knew how to make this place not feel like such a tomb. It's like a vortex of grief we all get sucked into when we re-enter our lives.
For me this is negative in that I become easily discouraged and less motivated. I work hard to keep my head above water. I find that other peoples joys bug me. I am so so happy for them, but jealous for me. I hate that. I also find that I wait for the phone call, email, facebook message that will reaffirm me. I hope something huge happens for the Foundation and find that it's small steps that will get to the huge. Yet I sit, impatiently.
I wonder what example I set for our Bugs. We know and Trust that God is in control and has our collective backs. We lean on Him. We do. But to have a disengaged Mommy is something I wish I knew how to rectify. I suppose one tiny step at a time.
I suppose we will all adjust to being back in the real world, so to speak. But I'm just saying that to have him around there are 2 of us to field all the Ava issues that crop up. I find that it's easier for me to not take on their emotions when Allan's here with me.
We also had the opportunity to travel during the first week of June. Let me tell you Alabama is really really far away from Delaware. The Bugs did so great in the car though. It is pretty funny that whenever we get in the car there are questions of "how long will this take?" "is this as far as Aunt Debbie's house?". It seems nobody trusts us anymore. :-)
The hardest thing about going away is the coming home. We all feel free and unencumbered then back to reality. I know that this is true for all who return from vacation. The twist I am figuring out is that I don't like to come home. There are too many "reminders" lurking in every corner. I keep thinking that maybe if I paint or redecorate it will help. Then I wonder if that is the right answer.
After Eric died we were able to move into this house. We needed a bigger place since our exersaucers did not really fit in our townhouse. I recall the feeling of being able to breathe again. It felt fresh and new. A fresh start. Not running away, mind you, but fresh. A move is not feasible now. I'm OK with that. I just wish I knew how to make this place not feel like such a tomb. It's like a vortex of grief we all get sucked into when we re-enter our lives.
For me this is negative in that I become easily discouraged and less motivated. I work hard to keep my head above water. I find that other peoples joys bug me. I am so so happy for them, but jealous for me. I hate that. I also find that I wait for the phone call, email, facebook message that will reaffirm me. I hope something huge happens for the Foundation and find that it's small steps that will get to the huge. Yet I sit, impatiently.
I wonder what example I set for our Bugs. We know and Trust that God is in control and has our collective backs. We lean on Him. We do. But to have a disengaged Mommy is something I wish I knew how to rectify. I suppose one tiny step at a time.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Spreading some wings
We made it through our first year of Homeschooling!!! We ploughed through snow days and spring break so we could hit our required days of school mark early enough to enjoy some spring and sunshine. Yes, we will try it again next year. This time for all three of the bugs. As I am learning to live my life, I am taking this on a "I'll do it until God tells me not to" basis. Did I ever mention how hard that is sometimes?
The Big Bugs had a busy week with their very first piano recital and then a Spring Program at the school they attend for classes one day a week. I was so proud of them. Not too long ago, Emily was too afraid to even go up and sing with her Sunday School class. At first they would stand there and cling to each other. Then one time Alexa went up with out her sister and sang a couple words. Three years later, they fully participate. I am so proud of them.
The Spring Program had two performances. When we got to the evening performance, Elaina was squirrely. As the first group opened the first couple measures of the song she was in need of some redirection. "Elaina come sit still." "Why, Mommy? They sang this already!" I would love to know what she thought she was going to hear for the second performance!
As I got ready to go to the second show I couldn't help to think about HOW MANY individual and repeat performances my parents endured for us kids. Not to mention that all three of us grew up being in multiple groups and plays. Hats off to my awesome parents!
We are entering a new phase in our lives: Cheerleaders. Now that's not so new because I believe that is the role we play as soon as your child is born. "Did you go poopy? Yeah what a good girl!" But now we get to clench our hands as they go up to the front on their own power. The lights go up and what will be will be. I guess we are always in training for letting them go out into the big world.
Maybe concerts are just God's way of training us parents to let them fly out of the nest.
The Big Bugs had a busy week with their very first piano recital and then a Spring Program at the school they attend for classes one day a week. I was so proud of them. Not too long ago, Emily was too afraid to even go up and sing with her Sunday School class. At first they would stand there and cling to each other. Then one time Alexa went up with out her sister and sang a couple words. Three years later, they fully participate. I am so proud of them.
The Spring Program had two performances. When we got to the evening performance, Elaina was squirrely. As the first group opened the first couple measures of the song she was in need of some redirection. "Elaina come sit still." "Why, Mommy? They sang this already!" I would love to know what she thought she was going to hear for the second performance!
As I got ready to go to the second show I couldn't help to think about HOW MANY individual and repeat performances my parents endured for us kids. Not to mention that all three of us grew up being in multiple groups and plays. Hats off to my awesome parents!
We are entering a new phase in our lives: Cheerleaders. Now that's not so new because I believe that is the role we play as soon as your child is born. "Did you go poopy? Yeah what a good girl!" But now we get to clench our hands as they go up to the front on their own power. The lights go up and what will be will be. I guess we are always in training for letting them go out into the big world.
Maybe concerts are just God's way of training us parents to let them fly out of the nest.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Anger
Anger. It seems that is what makes the world go round right now. Last night I had the opportunity to sing at a shelter. As I looked out over the group of residents, I was overwhelmed by the tough exterior and the hardened eyes. These people were tired and just plain angry.
At work, I run into more and more people who are angry and forget to treat others with respect.
It seems we are all in such a rush to protect our own space. That we hold tight to our emotions and protect them with anger. That the anger inside wells up like a pressure cooker and explodes.
We have anger in our house. We all have anger in our house. The emotion itself is not a bad thing to have. When it becomes caustic is when we don't deal with it, let it out and let it go.
In our house there are a bunch of hot tempered sensitive people. Not a good combination I tell you. We constantly try to talk about and find ways to express the anger that billows in black clouds of smoke.
It makes me sad to see so much anger. I know that under the hot river is a person who was "wronged". A person who is hurting, sometimes so deeply hurt that the reason is lost.
We all hurt. We've all been wronged. How can we press on in spite of it? How can we learn to not compare one hurt to the other. How do we keep from passing the wall of fury on to our children?
There is only one way that I know how. By learning to know and rely on God. It's a hard thing to
do, even when you've known Him for the majority of your life. It's hard because you wonder where He was when the negative circumstance occurred/occurs. I know that there are many times when I've felt like that. As mad as I've been with my circumstances. As much as I've wondered where God was, I hang onto the fact that even though I may be mad, He's still hanging around, loving me. God does not promise that our life will be easy. He promises to love us and never leave us.
I ask Him to take away my anger and to break down those tough painful violent walls of the the nameless coarse faces I encounter. I'll tell you it takes a lot of courage for that to happen. To let go enough so you can feel that pain that burns underneath. But it's doable, if you ask God to help you. Maybe, just maybe anger can used to work toward the good. Maybe it might not be taken away as much as chipped away, reconfigured and changed. Through the pain and walls God has plans for each of us. He can mold us, if we millimeter by millimeter, allow ourselves to bend. We are not responsible for the decisions of others. We are responsible for how we deal with the affects of those decisions.
At work, I run into more and more people who are angry and forget to treat others with respect.
It seems we are all in such a rush to protect our own space. That we hold tight to our emotions and protect them with anger. That the anger inside wells up like a pressure cooker and explodes.
We have anger in our house. We all have anger in our house. The emotion itself is not a bad thing to have. When it becomes caustic is when we don't deal with it, let it out and let it go.
In our house there are a bunch of hot tempered sensitive people. Not a good combination I tell you. We constantly try to talk about and find ways to express the anger that billows in black clouds of smoke.
It makes me sad to see so much anger. I know that under the hot river is a person who was "wronged". A person who is hurting, sometimes so deeply hurt that the reason is lost.
We all hurt. We've all been wronged. How can we press on in spite of it? How can we learn to not compare one hurt to the other. How do we keep from passing the wall of fury on to our children?
There is only one way that I know how. By learning to know and rely on God. It's a hard thing to
do, even when you've known Him for the majority of your life. It's hard because you wonder where He was when the negative circumstance occurred/occurs. I know that there are many times when I've felt like that. As mad as I've been with my circumstances. As much as I've wondered where God was, I hang onto the fact that even though I may be mad, He's still hanging around, loving me. God does not promise that our life will be easy. He promises to love us and never leave us.
I ask Him to take away my anger and to break down those tough painful violent walls of the the nameless coarse faces I encounter. I'll tell you it takes a lot of courage for that to happen. To let go enough so you can feel that pain that burns underneath. But it's doable, if you ask God to help you. Maybe, just maybe anger can used to work toward the good. Maybe it might not be taken away as much as chipped away, reconfigured and changed. Through the pain and walls God has plans for each of us. He can mold us, if we millimeter by millimeter, allow ourselves to bend. We are not responsible for the decisions of others. We are responsible for how we deal with the affects of those decisions.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
"Winning"
I finished my first half marathon on Sunday. I was far from winning. But in my own right. I won. Not because I finished. Not because I did it. But because of my experiences training and racing. Three weeks before the race I ran 12 miles. After that run I started to fall apart. Emotionally, physically and psychologically. I was hurting and fatigued. For the first time I was nervous that I wouldn't even be able to walk run the race. My chronic back problems were finally rearing their ugly heads and causing all kinds of issues in my legs. I had a goal of finishing the race in under 2:30:00. Really I was hoping for a much better time, but I didn't want to be too disappointed. But after that 12miler I just wanted to do everything I could to keep myself healthy enough to cross the finish line. During that last three weeks, when I should have been tapering, I hardly ran at all- in comparison to what I had been doing. I found myself so angry that my body was failing me. That it wasn't letting me do what I wanted to do. I wasn't getting stronger. I was crumbling and slowing down. I watched all of my other friends bloom and improve. It was a tough blow. A really tough blow. I spoke with some experienced running friends and collected a myriad of advice. I got massages on my legs and chiropractic adjustments on my back. There were so many people praying for me, encouraging me and cheering me on. Two weeks before the race I wanted to just give up. Stop dealing with the pain and quit. Something started to happen. I realized that God called me to this race. He placed all host of people in my path to help me finish that race. At my lowest point, I was angry and jealous of what others could accomplish, I told Allan that God wouldn't call me to the race and not have me finish. Then I turned it around and said that well He did give me two children that I don't have anymore so I guess I just don't know what would happen. I woke up a bit after that. I realized that this race is not about Eric and Ava and their suffering. Oh yes it was and is my motivation and my honor to run for that. But this race was about God breaking me down in a new way. A way for me to see that my body is temporal and that it easily crumbles. A way for me to realize just how angry I am that God has me walking this path in my life. A way for me to see just how much I've been holding Him at arms length. Relying on Him, but not really letting Him in. A way for me to see just how deeply I hurt and how I need to let some of it go. It was a way for me to be reminded that I can not do anything on my own power. It all comes from Him. God asked me to run a half marathon. He did not promise me that the training and the journey would be easy and without pain. He only asked me to do it. So I obeyed, blindly. Race week arrived. My back was hurting and my legs were burning. I went to the chiropractor and had a massage and prayed that my body would stay together or at least I could ignore the pain. I distributed the Half for Each team shirts. I home schooled the bugs. We had an art show and dinner party and saw the joy in the eyes of my children as we focused on what they needed to feel special. I cried a lot as I realized how broken and disconnected my soul really is. My friend sent me an email. Reminding me that "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak....but those that Hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." She didn't even know that is the verse I would pray while I pressed my head against Ava's, drinking in her sweet baby smell. I had little pain at the start. At 4.5 miles the winner past me. Between 5.5-6.2 miles I started to see all my team mates pass me. We cheered each other on. At 9 miles I was running out of steam. I actually needed to walk a little bit so I could settle myself out. At that point I remembered Ava's verse and that this race is not about me keeping up with my speedy friends. I was at the end of the pack and I was feeling lonely. I prayed and thought about how I needed something to keep going since I had no one around me. Over my head a majestic bird took off. A little later another first time racer asked if she could walk with me a bit. We then encouraged each other up to Mile 11. I thought that it was close to 3 hours that we were out there and I just wanted to finish. We pushed each other to keep running. I walked through the last water stop to make sure I could get enough to drink. Then I ran. I felt great, rested and free. I ran over the bridge and saw Allan and my bugs waving signs and screaming for me. I thanked every Marshall and joked along the way between miles 11-13.1. I even had enough in me to speed up for the last .1. At the finish line I saw all my well rested friends who were cheering for me. These same friends that I was so proud of. These same friends who inspired and encouraged me to get there. I did it, by His power through me. 2:31:49. Winning? I think so.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Sweet
The other night, at bedtime, Elaina was showing me a special picture book that her Aunt made her. She has a picture of Ava in it. So naturally she started talking about her. I wonder how much she remembers verses how much memory of her is imposed. Not that I'm surprised, she was only 2 1/2. What actually surprises me is what she can remember.
After she went through her litany of "Mommy, why did Ava die?" I asked her how did that make you feel? She looked at me and said, "it hurt my feelings." I love how kids just say what they think. It's refreshing.
Elaina gets really upset if she thinks I'm sad for any reason. It actually breaks my heart. She runs around and starts to whine and then starts to act silly and tries to make me smile. I so wish she didn't have to act that way.
Yesterday I was having a moment when the bugs were upstairs, probably undoing all I reorganized, together having a great time. Next thing I know Alexa and Elaina were downstairs with me. Alexa looked at me and said "why do you look like you've been crying." I told her that I didn't know and that I was OK. She asked if I was missing Ava. I tried to tell her that I was fine, but my wet eyes told her the truth.
Meanwhile Elaina was starting to swirl, and say, "no,no. Mommy be happy. Mommy be HAPPY." I told her I was OK. Alexa looked at her sister and said, "Elaina, Mommy is allowed to cry." Elaina settled down.
Then my sweet 6 year old offered me the Ava toys and stuffed animals that comfort her. This time they would have made it worse, so I told her no thank you. She looked at me and knowingly nodded and ushered her sister upstairs not before she peered around the corner and gave me a sweet and supportive smile.
I usually try to not have them in a position where they feel like that have to "make me feel better", I just don't want that responsibility for them. There are moments when it's so sweet, I have to share.
Sometimes I think about how those bugs can comfort and I think that it might be OK that they help Allan and myself as we muddle through this crazy life. We are family and we are living this together.
I am so very grateful for those little hearts brimming with a compassion that only God provides.
After she went through her litany of "Mommy, why did Ava die?" I asked her how did that make you feel? She looked at me and said, "it hurt my feelings." I love how kids just say what they think. It's refreshing.
Elaina gets really upset if she thinks I'm sad for any reason. It actually breaks my heart. She runs around and starts to whine and then starts to act silly and tries to make me smile. I so wish she didn't have to act that way.
Yesterday I was having a moment when the bugs were upstairs, probably undoing all I reorganized, together having a great time. Next thing I know Alexa and Elaina were downstairs with me. Alexa looked at me and said "why do you look like you've been crying." I told her that I didn't know and that I was OK. She asked if I was missing Ava. I tried to tell her that I was fine, but my wet eyes told her the truth.
Meanwhile Elaina was starting to swirl, and say, "no,no. Mommy be happy. Mommy be HAPPY." I told her I was OK. Alexa looked at her sister and said, "Elaina, Mommy is allowed to cry." Elaina settled down.
Then my sweet 6 year old offered me the Ava toys and stuffed animals that comfort her. This time they would have made it worse, so I told her no thank you. She looked at me and knowingly nodded and ushered her sister upstairs not before she peered around the corner and gave me a sweet and supportive smile.
I usually try to not have them in a position where they feel like that have to "make me feel better", I just don't want that responsibility for them. There are moments when it's so sweet, I have to share.
Sometimes I think about how those bugs can comfort and I think that it might be OK that they help Allan and myself as we muddle through this crazy life. We are family and we are living this together.
I am so very grateful for those little hearts brimming with a compassion that only God provides.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
The "What If" game is annoying
I've been having a tough time of it lately. I don't know why. It just happens. As I type this I'm having De jas vous.
It's a busy time around here. There are mountains of wash and piles of papers. There are toys strewn about and yet I look at them, shake my head and "hide" on the computer. The state of our home is a perfect barometer for how I feel.
We've had so many commitments of late we've been running from one thing to the next. This week is a bit quieter. The problem is that when it's quiet like this I tend to let down and unravel a bit. It's necessary, but so is the laundry.
The bugs are grumpy as they are all fighting a little of the ick that's been going around. They aren't sick per se but they are agitated with each other. I am grateful that they haven't developed the full blown sicknesses that are going around. Really thankful about that.
I am feeling out of steam about running right now too. I have a 10 run this week and don't feel geared up for it. I am just thinking about how I have to run 5 tomorrow and how I really don't feel like it.
Can you say F-U-N-K? 'Cause I'm in it.
The cool thing is that I seem to have an insight and a level of patience with the kids that usually lapses when my energy does. That is a gift that God is giving me to get me through. I recognize it as that and am glad for it.
Today I got a sweet card in the mail. What a nice gift to lift my spirits some. Yesterday when I came into the neighborhood from my run I spied my kids and my parents playing baseball in the yard. It was so so uplifting to my hurting heart.
I just saw a Thanksgiving picture with all the Cousins together. Except it's not true. They aren't all together and will never be on this earth. I hate that every time I see a photograph I have to clarify it's title in my mind. "All of the living cousins". "All of my living children".
I really hate that when I see my kids growing and changing I think of a 7 1/2 year old and an 18 month old and wonder what it would really be like.
I know that God will use the broken ugly stuff in our lives for good. But I really wonder why He thought it would be a good idea to give us two kids with Mito disease. Why that is what it took to have us start the Joy-Hope Foundation. I know that His plan is the best and perfect for us. I can see in many ways how that is.
Sometimes I just wish there would be another way.
It's a busy time around here. There are mountains of wash and piles of papers. There are toys strewn about and yet I look at them, shake my head and "hide" on the computer. The state of our home is a perfect barometer for how I feel.
We've had so many commitments of late we've been running from one thing to the next. This week is a bit quieter. The problem is that when it's quiet like this I tend to let down and unravel a bit. It's necessary, but so is the laundry.
The bugs are grumpy as they are all fighting a little of the ick that's been going around. They aren't sick per se but they are agitated with each other. I am grateful that they haven't developed the full blown sicknesses that are going around. Really thankful about that.
I am feeling out of steam about running right now too. I have a 10 run this week and don't feel geared up for it. I am just thinking about how I have to run 5 tomorrow and how I really don't feel like it.
Can you say F-U-N-K? 'Cause I'm in it.
The cool thing is that I seem to have an insight and a level of patience with the kids that usually lapses when my energy does. That is a gift that God is giving me to get me through. I recognize it as that and am glad for it.
Today I got a sweet card in the mail. What a nice gift to lift my spirits some. Yesterday when I came into the neighborhood from my run I spied my kids and my parents playing baseball in the yard. It was so so uplifting to my hurting heart.
I just saw a Thanksgiving picture with all the Cousins together. Except it's not true. They aren't all together and will never be on this earth. I hate that every time I see a photograph I have to clarify it's title in my mind. "All of the living cousins". "All of my living children".
I really hate that when I see my kids growing and changing I think of a 7 1/2 year old and an 18 month old and wonder what it would really be like.
I know that God will use the broken ugly stuff in our lives for good. But I really wonder why He thought it would be a good idea to give us two kids with Mito disease. Why that is what it took to have us start the Joy-Hope Foundation. I know that His plan is the best and perfect for us. I can see in many ways how that is.
Sometimes I just wish there would be another way.
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